WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House aides leaked information to the press that Co-President Donald J. Trump has made what they are calling a truly historic, and perhaps life changing discovery while on a late night Twitter rant.
“Ugh, I hate fake news so much,” Trump told aides he said to himself as he paced the halls aimlessly, blasting off tweet after tweet, “I hate fake news with fake news sources. Ooh, wait, what’s this here?”
While sending a series of rapid succession tweets excoriating CNN, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, Buzzfeed, and the school newspaper at Rosa Parks Elementary School in Frampton, California, Trump reportedly found himself wandering the halls of the White House at just after three o’clock int he morning. As his diminutive digits flew across his unsecured Blackberry’s screen, tapping out epithets, threats, and tantrums against media outlets he called “bully jerks who give me a sad,” Mr. Trump found himself in a room in the White House he didn’t quite recognize.
“What the fuck,” Trump would tell aides he told himself, “where the shit ass purple dick fuck am I?”
Fumbling around for the light switch, Trump was able to find it and illuminate the room. It was smallish, but had a desk in the middle of it. In the middle of the desk was a slip of paper with three numbers written on it. “666.” Next to the numbers was a single word, “Soros.” All the walls in the room were bare except one, which had a framed portrait of Saul Alinksy on it.
After having many conversations with Co-President Bannon about politics, Trump knew that Alinsky was an evil man, and he ripped the painting off the wall.
“Goddamn do I hate fake news! It’s so fake. Hey, what’s this, ” Trump asked in rhetorical exasperation.
Pulling down the painting had revealed a small safe. On the safe’s front door was a numeric pad and below the numeric was a QWERTY style keyboard. There was a small LCD screen on the safe’s front door with a crescent moon and a star displayed on the screen until Trump tapped a key on the safe’s keyboard. It sprang to life, and asked him two questions. What was the pass code, and what was the password?
Remembering the scrap of paper from the desk, Trump padded at the numeric keys and entered the mark of the beast. Three sixes. He heard a singular click. Next, he tapped “S-O-R-O-S” where he was prompted for a pass code. Immediately, he heard the national anthem of the Country of Islam. An American flag was replaced by a Quaran on the LCD screen, and then the door swung open.
“Holy balls,” Trump exclaimed. In the safe, he found two large folders, and nothing else. One folder was labeled “SECRET ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT VOTER ROLLS” and the other was labeled simple “Soetoro.” Trump’s stubby thumbs flew through the folder that contained millions and millions and millions of names, which all seemed “very Mexican or at least Mexican-ish” to the co-president. Trump would later have the number of names counted and be astounded when it came back as over three trillion.
In the folder was a note that read, “For Allah, we commit these names to the voter rolls, so that even if by some miracle that amazing, truly tremendous man wins the presidency, we can immediately deligitimize his victory by pointing out how he lost the popular vote so dramatically. Rather than place these illegal voters strategically into states we’ll need to fend off the Orange One, we’ll just dump them all in California, New York, and other reliably blue states. Because even though we get the Electoral College is how you win presidential elections, we’re just so singularly focused on embarrassing the mighty Trump, that we’ll pour all our energy into winning the popular vote. Gosh, I really hope no one ever finds this note. Oh well. — B.O.”
In the second folder, Trump found an old, crinkled sheet of paper. On the top it read, “OFFICIAL DOCUMENT — CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH.” The document bore a seal from the government of Kenya. On it, the birth records of one “Barry Soetoro” were typed in a combination of Swahili and Muslimish, Trump would tell his staff. He’d found it! After all these years searching for it, he’d finally found Obama’s real birth certificate.
But as Trump tried to remove the certificate, suddenly, the safe begin to sink into the floor, and alarms started going off. A giant boulder came crashing down from above Trump, and he was forced to run for his life. Fortunately, he is in tremendous physical shape and has incredible stamina. Mr. Trump was able to avoid the boulder and came crashing out of the White House, where he immediately called a meeting of his top advisers.
“This is yuge,” Trump said, “yuge, yuge, yuge. I want only the most trusted media outlets to cover this. Breitbart. World Net Daily. The Stormfront. Only the best.”
Barry Soetoro couldn’t be reached for comment, but Barack Obama could. He simply laughed. For thirty minutes. Straight.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.