WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hurricane Harvey has dumped an estimated 9 trillion gallons of water on the Gulf Coast region of Texas, according to current estimates. That amount of rainfall in such a short amount of time has caused a humanitarian crisis in the Lone Star State and surrounding areas, and President Donald Trump told various reporters from the Oval Office today that he believes Harvey’s destruction should ultimately be pinned on one man — former President Barack Obama (D-Kenya).
“I’ve been reading various reputable, not FAKE NEWS sites,” Trump explained while opening the morning’s sixth Coca-Cola and snacking on some remnants of Kentucky Fried Chicken’s extra-tasty crispy chicken skin, “that Hurricane Harvey is all part of the vast Chinese hoax of climate change.”
Trump explained that the hoax “goes all the way to the top” and that Obama was a key figure in the conspiracy.
“This is deep state stuff, folks,” Trump continued, “The really deep covfefe, if you know what I mean.”
The president told various reporters who were at the White House covering a special announcement by First Lady Ivanka Trump about her new line of hand bags and other fashion accessories, which will be sold right from the White House foyer, that both InfoWars and Breitbart have run stories questioning Obama’s role in Hurricane Harvey. Trump said he trusts those media outlets more than he trusts his “goofy, overbite having dipshit son Don Jr.” If it’s reported by those websites, Trump insists, the American people can believe it too.
“It’s pretty obvious to everyone with half a brain cell, so you know, my base essentially, that this is deep state stuff, folks. We’re talking Obama, the Chinese government, and our own deep state actors doing some bigly bad stuff. Sad,” Trump said while drinking brown gravy out of a Styrofoam bowl emblazoned with Colonel Sanders on it.
President Trump assured the reporters, and the American people, that his administration is actively monitoring both the hurricane and the deep state conspiracy driving it. He said that the public can “rest assured that justice will be served, Trump style.”
RELATED: Pat Robertson Wonders If Hurricane Harvey Caused By Awkward Boner During “Magic Mike” Viewing
“Obviously my administration is the best administration in the history of administrations,” Trump said, “as evidenced by my obvious wins and achievements in just such a short period of time. More people would know about my victories if the FAKE NEWS would write about them instead of the truth.”
Trump was famously tough on China during last year’s hotly contested campaign. However, when asked this morning, Trump said he holds the Democratic National Committee and Barack Obama responsible, even though he says China is also a “yooge conspirator” as well. Mr. Trump said his team hasn’t formulated exactly how to hold the DNC or Obama responsible, but they plan to continue “punishing every American” the way they’re best at.
“Just by being us,” Trump said, a smile creeping across his face, “that’s how we do it. It’s actually a great plan. We punish everyone, and that way Obama’s included in that. What a great idea, Don! Why thank you Don!’
Trump then finished his second bucked of extra tasty crispy chicken. This story is developing.