WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump told the media today that any delays in getting his personal, one million dollar donation to disaster relief efforts in the wake of Hurricane Harvey were due to the fact that he and his son Eric haven’t held any charity fundraisers for children with cancer in recent months.
“I wrote that check as soon as I promised I would,” Trump explained to reporters standing outside the White House as Trump left to go get himself his morning coffee, doughnut, hot dog, hamburger, chili cheese fries and seventy-two ounce soda, “but then I realized the Trump Foundation hasn’t held any events for kids with cancer lately, so I’m not sure I could cover the funds, is all I’m saying.”
Back in June, it was discovered that the Eric Trump Foundation and the Trump Foundation had worked together on a charity even for children with cancer. However, through a system of accounting mechanisms, the Trump Foundation billed the Eric Trump Foundation for venue rental and other administrative functions, and that monies donated to the pediatric cancer facility ended up going to the Trump foundation instead. The New York Attorney General’s office is currently investigating the Eric Trump Foundation as a result.
“I have a big heart, and I love charity fundraisers,” Trump told the press, “because nothing gets me cash faster than holding charity fundraisers. Hell, one of my favorite charities is staring you all in the face
right now. Me, baby, me.”
The president explained that while he has “the bigliest heart of any president, especially any black ones,” that charity is expensive and time consuming. Trump said he’s “always felt more comfortable spending other people’s money anyway.” So, he and his son Eric decided to start having children who get cancer pay for the Trump Foundation’s Charity.
“I mean, what are they gonna do? Fight back,” Trump told reporters, barely suppressing a laugh.
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Given that there are only so many charities that work with pediatric cancer patients, President Trump said that he and Eric understand they need to have a backup plan, and he said they have several.
“We’ve talked about taking money from AIDS research, robbing orphanages, and just straight up sneaking into poor people’s houses and stealing the change from their couches,” President Trump mused, “because anything, and I mean anything, is better than giving away your own money to people who won’t even send two Russian whores up to your suite to piss all over the bed. Wait. What?”
If the donation check doesn’t arrive soon, Trump said, the American people shouldn’t worry or look at him askance, he said.
“It’s in the mail,” Trump insisted, “seriously, the check’s in the mail. It should get there about the same time as Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.”
This story is developing.