Muslim American Wants Trump To Take Human Decency Test

LAKE LAGO, FLORIDA — Second generation Iraqi immigrant Mohammed Rahim says he was “extremely appalled” by Donald Trump suggesting that people petitioning for citizenship status in the United States take an “ideology test,” but he says he was most offended that “a non human life form like Trump” made the proposal.

“Security is one thing,” Rahim told his Facebook followers this week,”and I don’t think this stuff passes the sniff test, but at the very least the Republicans could try to find someone who is a verifiable human being to propose their xenophobic bullshit.”

Rahim told us he’s sent several emails and tweets to Mr. Trump demanding that if he’s going to ask people coming into America to take a test to prove they’re not terrorists, he should have to take a test to prove he’s a human being.

“I think that’s fair,” Rahim said, “I mean, it’s not like what he’s proposing in any way jibes with the Constitution. So I think it’s a fair trade off that if we’re going to start grilling people based on their religion, or even worse what religion we assume they are based on which country they come from, yes, Donald should have to prove he’s a carbon based human life form, absolutely.”

Pulling out a pocket-sized printing of the Constitution, Mr. Rahim leafed through it while he spoke.

“Right in here, in the text of the Constitution,” Rahim said, “I don’t find anything that says we should discriminate based on religion. Of course, I see the opposite of that in the First Amendment. I just don’t get how people who claim to love the Constitution seem to hate its very first amendment, unless it’s only used to bludgeon gay people with.”

If Trump refuses to take the human test, Mohammed says he will sue him.

“Donald’s used to be being sued, of course,” Rahim said, “but I wonder how he’ll react to an American Muslim taking his orange ass to court. Oh wait, I know. He’ll say something racist or Islamaphobic, breathe through his teeth, and melt down in public over it. Because that’s just his thing.”

The Trump campaign, reached for comment, released a statement saying that their candidate is “totally a human” but that he’s “a human that looks, acts, talks, and smells like an unclean member of a animal family unrelated to humans.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This