WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump experienced a moment of “temporary confusion and amnesia” this morning, according to White House medical staff.
“At approximately 9:00 AM this morning, the president was handed two folders for his daily briefing,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieu told reporters, “and one folder had a picture of Hitler on it, while the other had a picture of George Washington on its front.”
White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly told reporters that Trump’s morning briefing is often when staff and aides try to educate Trump based on mistakes he made the previous day. During a wild, hostile, and contentious session with reporters yesterday, Kelly says he knew he had to give the president an education in the “differences between flawed but generally good men and ultimately bad men.”
“General Lee might have been conflicted about it,” Kelly said, “but he ultimately chose his state over his country, and chose his state’s right to continue the practice of slavery. Washington was flawed, and he owned slaves. But he did end up freeing them at the end of his life. He should’ve done it sooner, but he certainly didn’t commit his life to killing Americans over preserving the institution of slavery.”
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Kelly said he decided to illustrate to Trump that there are “levels to things” and that “making dumb comparisons that only sound good on right-wing radio” is not a good way to lead the nation.
“I just thought that if we could give him a quick, crash course in history,” Kelly said, “maybe that would give him enough perspective to prevent himself from comparing people like Stonewall Jackson to George Washington. What’s next? Comparing Nathan Bedford Forrest to Frederick Douglass?”
Trump’s senior aides thought that a Hitler versus Washington comparison would be an “easy one to start with,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. But, it became quickly apparent that plan might not be as fool-proof as they’d hoped. The president simply could not tell the difference between Adolf Hitler and George Washington.”
“He just kept going around in circles,” Sanders explained, “and he’d ask us questions like, ‘So why did this Washington guy have a mustache like that?’ Or he’d say, ‘That Hitler guy crossing the Potomac was pretty important, huh?'”
The folders were in front of Trump for over an hour, and he never figured out who was who, according to several sources in the room. At one point, things got especially weird when Trump asked which of the folders in front of him contained information on Frederick Douglass. At one point, Trump called Vladimir Putin and made sure it was okay that he was learning things without the Russian president’s permission.
“It was on the whole a very productive meeting,” Sanders told the press, “because by the end of it, the president was no longer conflating George Washington with anyone. Of course, he still couldn’t understand that the Washington monument isn’t shaped like his actual penis was, but we’re working on it. Everything is baby steps with this president. Or at least, everything with this baby is like you do with a baby. Or at the very least a very drunken toddler.”