NEW YORK, NEW YORK — As many waves as Donald Trump has made in naming his administration’s key personnel, a move the president-elect made this weekend might be the most shocking development yet.
“Sometimes you just gotta shake things up,” Trump told reporters outside his apartment building Monday morning,”so I’ve decided to hire this guy right here, who is not racist, sexist, an Islamaphobe, or any form of Christofascist who will attack the LGBTQ+ community.”
Mr. Trump was referring to Mike Michaelson, the man that the alleged billionaire plans to have serve in his administration in some capacity. Trump told reporters he’s not exactly sure where Mr. Michaelson will fit in, but he’s asked his Vice President, Mike Pence, to “find a spot” for him.
“Honestly,” Trump said, “we want him to feel comfortable in our administration, so we’re trying to find a place where he wouldn’t encounter racists, or sexists, or religious zealots and Islamphobes. So obviously that’s not going to be all that easy in my administration. Which, by the way, is the best administration ever. It’s so good that many people are already saying it’s the best presidential administration ever. I believe it too, because look at how everything I do is friggin’ successful. Now, have a Trump Steak and wash it down with Trump Water, on me, America.”
After thirty more minutes of President-elect Trump talking about various products he’s branded with his own name, he stepped aside and Mr. Michaelson began to speak. He told the press that he was “very excited and honored” to be considered for a job in the Trump White House. However, he also expressed some concerns about fitting in with the other members of Trump’s staff.
“I don’t own any white sheets,” Michaelson explained, “and I can’t remember the last time I used the N-word or called a gay kid a faggot. But President-elect Trump assures me I don’t have to change just to fit in with his team, though he did say it might be a good ice breaker to learn a racist joke or two.”
Some on Trump’s staff have expressed misgivings about Michaelson’s hiring. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one Trump aide told our reporter that he is “highly skeptical of a man who isn’t at least a tiny bit paranoid about Muslims” and other issues that Team Trump plans to make high priorities.
“I mean, you’re telling me the guy isn’t at least a little bit racist,” the aide asked rhetorically, “not even against, like, Mexicans or anything? That’s just weird, you know?”
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