VATICAN CITY, THE VATICAN — The search to replace fired FBI Director James Comey does not seem to be going very easily. At the time of publication, The Hill is reporting that a fourth person has now withdrawn his name from consideration for the post.
Now, according to sources within the White House, a new and unforeseen set of developments has Temporary President Donald Trump considering someone that heretofore no one would have imagined he’d have on his shortlist of candidates — former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
“Who better to determine if we should lock people up, but the ‘her’ in ‘Lock her up,’ I ask,” Mr. Trump told reporters as he walked into St. Peter’s Basilica, ahead of his meeting with Pope Francis, before proceeding to commend himself for the idea, “Brilliant move Donald! Why thank you, Donald.”
While nominating Ms. Clinton to the post would be problematic for his base, Trump told reporters he thinks they’ll eventually “come around to any idea” he has.
“Remember how I said I could shoot someone in broad daylight and not lose fans,” Trump asked, “well, here I am, clearly incompetent. Clearly unqualified. Clearly incapable of going more than a day without doing something that would have gotten every single one of the forty-four men who held this office before me impeached, and what? Nothing. My base blames the media. They blame the libtards. They blame the libtarded media with their libtarded libtardia. But they don’t blame me. They love me.”
Trump explained that he likes to keep everyone, including his allies, on their toes. Nothing would do that quite like putting the person in charge of the FBI who many of his allies believe the FBI should have recommended charges against. Mr. Trump laughed that criticism off though.
“Who cares,” Trump asked rhetorically, “honestly? Who the fuck cares? Nothing matters anymore. I mean, for God’s sake, I’m fucking president. Me. The guy who was relegated to doing shitty pizza chain commercials in the late 90’s because by then my reputation as a businessman was a joke. The guy who honestly believed that the first black president wasn’t American because he was sent fifty different email forwards to that effect and then spent half a decade trolling the black president over it. I prove with my very existence that nothing matters, nothing makes any sense, and that certain people will vote for any asshole as long as they help them believe it’s poor people, minorities, immigrants, and the government keeping them down, and not our policies.”
Then, Trump farted.
“Welp, that was my thought for the day,” Trump said, “time to go meet this pop guy. I don’t know why they call him the Pop. Maybe he likes Coke a lot. Maybe he’s someone’s father. I don’t know. They’ll fill me in right before I meet him, and I’m sure I’ll nail this meeting like I’ve nailed literally everything else, right Ivanka?”
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