Trump’s HHS Secretary Wants Department Small Enough to Fit in Immigrant Uteruses

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Earlier this month, President Trump appointed Eric Hargan as acting Health and Human Services Secretary after Tom Price resigned the position amid a scandal over his usage of government funds to pay for flights all over the country. Trump’s HHS has been in the news recently for another reason, for it’s role in preventing an undocumented immigrant in Texas from getting an abortion. Known only as “Jane Doe” in court filings, the Trump administration through the HHS has blocked an attempt by the 17-year-old girl, who discovered she was pregnant shortly after entering the country, from terminating her pregnancy, citing an administration rule about “not facilitating” abortions.

This week, an appellate court lifted an order blocking the abortion and HHS was directed to arrange transportation for Ms. Doe to an abortion provider in the Lone Star State. At a press conference this morning, acting HHS Secretary Hargan addressed this story as well as the department’s policies and strategies in this regard going forward.

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“We are of course extremely disappointed that the courts decided to step in,” Hargan said, “and prevent us from our performing our sacred duties — namely controlling the inbound and outbound uterine and vaginal traffic for any and all women living in the United State of America.”

Hargan, while “saddened and alarmed” by the court’s decision to let the 17-year-old girl have dominion over her own genitals, he is also extremely optimistic, he said, about a new initiative his department is rolling out in the coming weeks and months.

“Forcing a victim of statutory rape to carry a baby to full term might seem like the kind of tyrannical, draconian governmental overreach Republicans howl about,” Hargan said, “but rest assured, our new initiative will be to shrink the size of this department down so small it fits inside any uterus we need it to, undocumented immigrant or no, and we think the American people are behind us.”

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“Do the American people want affordable health care? I don’t know about that,” Hargan admitted, “But do Americans want their government to put a teenager in jail and force her to have a baby she’s not ready for, just because millions of us can’t separate our emotions when we see a baby from the cold, hard reality of how pregnancy and procreation work?  Of-fucking-course-they-do.”

Mr. Hargan says that eventually HHS will keep a well-maintained manifest of every vagina and uterus in the country, but that for now, they are focusing on the immigrant population.

“It just makes sense, from an American conservative standpoint,” Hargan said, “to oppress the brown skinned people first, doesn’t it? I mean, this is the Trump Administration for shit’s sake. Dumping on immigrants is just one of our things, right? We can circle back and round up all the white women’s genitals later.”

President Trump is not only very supportive of the new HHS initiative, he will be an active participant according to Mr. Hargan.

“When you have a world class pussy grabber in the White House,” Hargan said, “and your department is planning on rounding up pussies, it’s almost God himself is smiling down on you from on high.”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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