WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours after a raucous, contentious press conference saw him battle with reporters and, ultimately walk back his statement from a day previous on a domestic terror attack in Charlottesville, Virginia, President Donald Trump cautioned Americans not to “feel so bad” for the victim who died in the attack that they “lose sight of how important the statue” at the heart of the rallies that left Heather Heyer dead and over a dozen more citizens injured.
“Look, it’s bigly bad that Heather died,” Trump said, “but that statue is important too, right? Sure, Lee killed Americans to preserve slavery, and Heather died while protesting people who want to not only bring back slavery but purge this country of non-white people, but what does that mean, really?”
Trump asked rhetorically if Americans really want to live in a country where “innocent statues dedicated to people who fought to keep black people as property” can’t be left unattended, for fear of them being pulled down by protesters, as was recently done in North Carolina.
“I’m not saying it’s not sad that Heather was killed,” Trump said, “I’m just saying it’s also sad, probably sadder, probably much, much sadder, probably bigly much sadderest, really, that a statue of a great American like Robert E. Lee would be taken down.”
Trump defended Confederate General Robert E. Lee, saying that “many Americans held slaves” and that “slavery was like watching reality TV back then so it wasn’t so bad anyway.”
“Robert E. Lee was a great American,” Trump said, adding, “and he was great at killing Americans! I bet ISIS wishes they could kill Americans like Robert E. Lee killed Americans.”
Mr. Trump wondered aloud, again, if there were any other historical figures from America’s past that some Americans might want removed down the line at some point.
“First it’s Stonewall Jackson, who’s next? Famous American poet Adolf Hitler,” Trump asked.
An aide walked over and whispered in Trump’s ear.
“Well, I heard he was a poet that lived in America, so,” Trump said.
Chief of Staff John Kelly came over and whispered in Trump’s ear this time.
“I heard it from Steve,” Trump said, “He forwarded me a Breitbart piece about how Hitler was really very American, had very American values, and also literally shit ice cream.”
Finally, after roughly ten minutes of back and forth with aides and high-ranking officials, Trump agreed to disagree with them about Hitler being an American poet or not.
“The bottom line people, is very simple. Very simple bottom line,” Trump said, “There is no denying that it’s just terrible that Ms. Heyer was killed. But there are many sides to things. For instance, we don’t know if the neo-Nazi in the car meant to kill her. What if he just meant to wing her? See? Many sides.”
Trump tried one last time to summarize his thoughts.
“All I’m saying is be sad for the girl, but be just as sad for the inanimate object that represents literal systemic racism too,” Trump said.
The president said that he still has not reached out to Heather Heyer’s mother. Several congressional Republicans spoke off the record and said they were “disgusted” or “appalled” or “horrified” by Trump’s continual defense of white supremacy. Then they went on record and equivocated and said things about AntiFa because this world is turning into a steaming pile of shit and a bunch of morons elected a reality-TV fascist because they were so mad at our society becoming more compassionate and humane toward one another.
This story is developing, but this country hasn’t been for decades.