Trump Has To Return Winter Gloves Putin Gave Him For Christmas

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump told reporters this morning that he was going to have to return a gift that Russian President Vladimir Putin got the alleged-billionaire for Christmas.

“I have to take these gloves back,” Trump said, “and I’m really very, very upset by it. They’re very nice gloves, and quite a warm gesture from Comrade Putin. But, well, I have to take them back.”

A reporter from a cable news outlet asked Trump if he was returning the gloves because they might appear to raise a conflict of interest between the Russian president and himself. Trump scoffed at the notion. Sniffling, he replied.

“Conflict of interest,” Trump repeated back to the reporter, “I don’t have conflicts of interest. I mean, I do. I totally do. By any other measure used for past presidents I have more conflicts of interest than should be allowed in a president. But this is 2017, and facts are probably just liberal media bias. So, I have no conflicts of interest.”

The same reporter ask Trump why, then, is he returning the gloves.

“I don’t think they were made right,” Trump says, “because they say they’re a small, but my fingers are absolutely swimming in them. My fingers have a tighter fit around them when I.m tucking Ivanka into bed every night.”

Mr. Trump said he made several attempts to make the gloves usable, but nothing he tried worked.

“Clearly they’re just mislabeled,” Trump told reporters, “and these are an XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL size. Because I’ve got normal sized hands. In fact, not even normal sized. Many people say, when they meet me, that I have the biggest hands on anyone they’ve ever seen, and many women invite me over for some light pussy grabbing when they see my gargantuan mitts. So, yeah, to summarize — my hands, and therefore dong, are huge. Also, gloves, totally too big but mislabeled.”

While he’s “super duper bummed” about returning the gloves, Trump says that he still has a couple other things Putin gave him and that “cushions the blow.”

“Vlad gave me more than just gloves,” Trump said, “like a nesting doll set where when you get to the last two it’s Putin and I’m up inside his doll’s asshole. Very honored there. Oh, and he, um, got me a nice big, white house to live in for the next four years. When I’m not in Manhattan, or whatever.”

Trump said he got Putin “whatever he wanted” for Christmas, and he said that’s a “trend the American simpletons — er, people — should get used to.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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