Trump Comforts Harvey Victims With Copies of 2016 Electoral College Map

HOUSTON, TEXAS — President Donald Trump made a visit to the areas ravaged by Hurricane Harvey today, and he brought a special gift, meant to “bring comfort and aid” he’d tell them, for each and every citizen he met — an autographed copy of the 2016 Electoral College map.

Harvey has devastated the Gulf Coast. Trillions of gallons of water were dumped on the region. That amount of rainfall was not anticipated when dams and levees were designed and built decades ago, so flooding is particularly precarious, even after the storm has stopped dropping rain. Experts are saying the Gulf will be in for years of cleanup and rebuilding, after already having gone through the catastrophes of Hurricane Katrina and the BP oil spill.

“I know you guys have been through a lot, but I also know the comfort that looking at this map brings me,” Trump said during a quick address at Houston’s city hall, “So I brought you all a copy, and may it bring comfort and aid to you, as it does to me each night before my First Lady tucks me in. Ivanka really is so sweet to do that, too.”

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In terms of historical margins of victory, Trump’s ranks all the way down at 46, in between Harry Truman in 1948 and John F. Kennedy in 1960. Both of those elections are widely held as two of the closest in history, with Truman’s being at the heart of one of the most famous incorrect headlines in American media history. However, since being elected, and even after being sworn into office, Trump has maintained that his margin of victory was large and unprecedented, despite the sheer mathematical fact of where his margin of victory puts him in the pantheon of presidential victors.

“They said I couldn’t win folks,” Trump said, “But I had comrades in high places, didn’t I?”

Trump told the audience, made up mostly of first responders and victims of the hurricane that he “had some great, pure white friends” in the country who knew from the “very first day [he] rode that escalator down” from his Trump Tower apartment and “insulted an entire country of people by calling them rapists, drug dealers, and murderers” that he was going to win the Electoral College in “such bigly fashion” as to force people to consider retiring it.

“I know I’ve heard people saying many times behind my back how they think I’ve proven you don’t even need an Electoral College anymore,” Trump said proudly.

After his brief speech, Trump was given a tour of Houston.

“I see there is a lot of water over here,” Trump would say, “and there’s a lot of water over there. You know, someone should do something to, what’s the word for getting rid of water with hotness?”

An aide whispered into his ear.

“Devaportation,” Trump said confidently.

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The aide whispered again in Trump’s ear.

“Darth Vadar-ation,” Trump said even more confidently.

The aide tried one last time.

“Gotcha,” Trump said, “Drying up. Someone should be drying up all this water. Doesn’t anyone have a blow dryer or something?”

The president then spent an hour handing out copy after copy of the electoral map. Each flood victim thanked him, but most could be seen crumpling the map and throwing it in the garbage once they thought Trump couldn’t see them anymore. One man, however, in a red “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” hat, didn’t.

“Well, sure,” Skeeter McGee told us, “This map ain’t gonna feed my kids, and it ain’t gonna get my office building bailed out so I can get back to work. But I could use it as an umbrella for a few minutes, you know, before the rain soaks it through and I have to throw it away. So that’s nice, I guess.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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