WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a wink and a smile, President Donald Trump told the press today that his Housing and Urban Development Secretary would be in charge of dolling out the eggnog at the White House Christmas party this year.
“It gives me bigly pride and yuge thrills to announce that this year, Dr. Ben Carson will be our official Head Nogger in Charge,” Trump said, beaming. “He’s going to do just a really terrific, great, spectacular, wonderful, did I already say great?, terrific, fantastic, amazing job at being our Head Nogger.”
Traditionally, every year the sitting president designates one member of his cabinet to serve eggnog to guests at the Christmas party hosted at the White House. Abraham Lincoln chose Edward Stanton, his second Secretary of War. Ronald Reagan chose his Secretary of State, Alex Haig, to be the Head Nogger one year. Trump told the media he spent several days pondering who to give the title to this year, but ultimately he decided on Carson.
“He’s a brain doctor or something, I’m told. Which is amazing, I didn’t know we were letting them be doctors of any type, much less of the brain,” Trump said. “So I think he’ll be quite a great Nogger, absolutely.”
When asked by reporters why he chose Carson, Trump laughed.
“Because, of course I would. I mean, first off, it’s me. There are certain people who support me who will hear the word ‘nogger’ and think I’m dog whistling to them. Gotta do it, part of the game. But, frankly, when you say the word ‘nogger’ to me, I can’t think of anyone except Ben Carson,” Trump said. “And Obama. And that nice chap who used to play the bouncy ball game, Dr. Irving I believe he was called. Hey! He was a doctor too, just like Ben! That’s tremendous!”
Reached for comment, Dr. Carson said he is “thrilled and honored to have another chance to debase [himself] at the pleasure of our Lizard King.”
“Let’s face it, I have no shame to be working as the HUD Secretary when I have no experience in housing or urban development,” Carson said. “Literally everything about this administration, from the Electoral College that got us here, right down to my job, is a farce and a sham. So, hey, what do I care if I’m the butt of a low-hanging fruit type satire joke somewhere on the Internet, know what I’m saying?”