FAR-TA-LAGO, FLORIDA — It’s still very much unclear whether or not Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) can count on the support of someone who he spent the better part of the last half-decade getting very cozy to, now that he finds himself in the thick of sex scandal. Gaetz stands accused and is under FBI investigation for allegedly engaging in sex trafficking that involved underage women via clandestine Venmo transactions. Gaetz is also accused of showing other members of Congress explicit photos of the women he was paying for sex, while on the House floor itself.
Whether or not Gaetz ultimately is charged, he’s been thus far not able to coalesce very many members of his own party for support. He has gotten some encouragement and public defense from Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, who shares a brain cell loaned to her by Sarah Palin with Congresswoman Lauren Boebert. However, for the most part, many elected Republicans have been staying quiet and not speaking out on Gaetz’ behalf.
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It’s the support of former President and reality-TV game show host Donald John Trump that Gaetz might be most looking for. As the current de facto leader of the Republican Hanging Party, Trump holds a lot of sway, and might be able to convince other Republicans to rally to Gaetz’ defense. Heretofore, however, Trump has mostly stayed quiet on the subject, though he did release a very brief statement reiterating that Congressman Gaetz denies the allegations.
This morning, in an interview on OAN, Trump broke his silence on the Gaetz scandal. However, Trump didn’t give any advice to Gaetz, and he also didn’t really address the Florida Republican’s guilt or innocence. Instead, Trump expressed genuine surprise about one, key detail in the story.
“So you’re telling me, Jack, that Matt actually paid the girl BEFORE she doinked him,” Trump asked with confusion. “With me, I always gotta pay ’em afterward to keep ’em quiet about it. Then again, I also often pay them before as well. I guess you could say I pay them before and after they bone me, now that I think of it.”
Trump could be heard cracking open a Diet Coke and opening a bucket of KFC.
“Except my beautiful…EE-VON-KA. She never charges me anything,” Trump laughed. “Not that she doesn’t have very expensive tastes that cost me an arm and a leg! But once I get that cuck Jared out of the way, it’s usually smooth sailing and she never even brings up money.”
The former president seemed to get an idea, in real time, and then share it with the OAN host/conspiracy theorist.
“The next time Matt’s feeling horny,” Trump suggested, “he should just call EE-VON-KA. That’s what I do, anyway, and as everyone knows, I’m literally perfect and do everything the right way. Besides, if Matt had really been doing it the Trump Way, he’d have stiffed those women out of what he owed them, so he needs to do a lot of work if he wants to rise to the level I’m at, obviously.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.