Trump Asks Flynn To Help Him Translate Inaugural Address Into Russian

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This week, word came from the Trump transition team that President-Elect Donald Trump will be writing his own inaugural address. While he won’t be the first president in history to deliver a self-penned speech the day he’s sworn-in, another story out of the Trump camp does in fact mark something of an historical moment.

“Mr. Trump has asked General Mike Flynn to help him translate his address into Russian,” Hank Spellman, Deputy Assistant Media Liaison for the Trump transition team told reporters this morning, “and General Flynn has happily agreed.”

Mr. Spellman says that General Flynn will wait until Trump has written all of the speech before he begins to translate. But Spellman said within the Trump team, it’s known it won’t be that long until Flynn gets to start translating.

“President-elect Trump only thinks in short, 140-character or less blasts,” Spellman said, “so we figure his inaugural address will consist of the equivalent of, say, eight to ten tweets, tops. Maybe a lot fewer if he’s not particularly feeling that day.”

When asked, Spellman said that the decision to translate the speech into Russian was “not for any particular reason.” He did say, however, that as a “professional courtesy” Trump and Flynn have agreed to email a copy of the translated speech to a “dear, dear friend” in Russia.

“Just to, you know,” Spellman said, “check it for grammar and stuff. General Flynn speaks pretty good Russian, but our dear, dear friend over in the mother country — excuse me, Russia — obviously can help us make sure it’s exactly what he wants it to say, which means you know, grammar and stuff. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”

Given that General Flynn is very busy preparing for his upcoming role in Trump’s administration, a backup plan was hatched, Spellman said.

“If General Flynn couldn’t make it up to Trump Tower,” Spellman said, “we were thinking of using the inauguration as a chance to reset relations with Russia and just have President Putin deliver the address. I mean, why not just cut out the middle man at that point right?”

A source in the Kremlin said that Putin was “honored and touched by the Trump team’s thoughtfulness” and that “this kind of personal care and attention is why President Putin chose Trump to be the winner.” Mr. Trump will be sworn-in as the 45th President of the United States on January 20th, 2017. In recent days, the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security released joint reports detailing their belief that Russian hackers attempted to influence the election in Trump’s favor.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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