WASHINGTON, D.C. — A perhaps confused President Trump began his day this morning by making what he later told aides he felt was a “bigly great gesture” toward Mexico.
“Dear Mexico and Your Mexicans,” Trump wrote in a letter to the United States’ southern neighbor, “or as they say in your heathen language, HOE-LAH PINCHY POOTERS! My name is President Donald J. Trump, and while I’m not YOUR president, I am still THE president, and that is pretty cool, I think. Anyway, I’m not writing to inform you that I’m THE president, though that is definitely something you should keep in mind at all times. I’m writing today to inform you that we have been made aware of the humanitarian crisis facing your country at this time, and to offer our immediate assistance.”
The White House ordered the delivery of over 10,000 flotation devices to Mexico in order to “keep as many Mexican citizens from drowning” as possible. According to President Trump, he was made aware of a “growing and urgent crisis” unfolding in Mexico, and he knew he had to act swiftly to help.
“I’ve been told that this has become somewhat of annual occurrence for your country, and so while I won’t be president more than the next fifteen years,” Trump wrote, “I can assure you that every year I am in power, I will do my best to make this day Fewer Sink-o de Mayo instead. You can count on us to help the Mexicans survive this Sink-o de Mayo! No one deserves to drown on any day, but mass drowning deaths would be even worse!”
Reportedly, linguists are rushing to the White House to give President Trump an emergency lesson in Spanish. The Mexican government is in receipt of Trump’s offer to send thousands of floaties, life preservers, and pool noodles to them. However, according to sources close the situation, Mexico intends to politely decline the offer.
“We know how things operate when Trump allegedly helps you,” an official in the Mexican government speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He doesn’t really help, and then he expects some kind of quid pro quo in return. We’ve had a longstanding policy not to negotiate with morons, however, so we simply must decline this offer with the same level of respect he gave us when he implied we are a country full of rapist drug dealing murderers.”
The Mexican government however, did have a counter-offer to make the White House.
“Instead of us accepting his flotation devices,” our source tells us, “how about we pay for something that he’s been practically begging us to pay for over the last few years? No! Not his stupid wall. His mental health. We’ll pay for Trump’s shrink. And a linguist so he can learn Spanish and sound like a fucking idiot in one less language.”
Previously, Mexico has also offered to pay for White House White Power Adviser Stephen Miller’s hair plugs.
“The fact of the matter is that we’re neighbors, and when your neighbor’s yard has a pile of dog crap on it,” Obrador explained, “it drives down your real estate values too. So we’re making this offer out of Christian charity and sympathy, really.” (Political Garbage Chute)
The White House has yet to respond to Mexico’s counter-offer.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.