Trump Promises Response To Florence Will Be The ‘Hurricane Katrina of Hurricane Marias’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump bragged that his administration would “once again be the most talked about and remembered in history,” this time due to its response to Hurricane Florence, which could batter the eastern part of the United States.

“A lot of people thought Hurricane Katrina was the one, but of course we beat that,” Trump said. “I mean, our death toll in Maria was bigly, folks. I mean, absolutely bigly. And did you see? It went up by a few thousand in one day last week from 64 to over 3000! Name me one other administration — previous black administration or not — that could pull off those kinds of numbers baby!”

It won’t be easy to top his administration’s performance during last year’s hurricane season, Trump says, but he has directed his staff in what he calls “vital, key ways” in an attempt to cover as many bases as he can.

“I had Sarah Huckabee go out to every CVS and Rite-Aid in town and buy all their paper towel stocks,” Trump said, beaming with pride. “No president had ever shown the country the true value of paper towels in a hurricane cleanup effort until me. You’re very welcome, America.”

Vice President Pence made sure Trump was aware of one “absolute necessity” for surviving all manner of natural disasters — the Christian Bible.

“Mike told me that only Bibles can people safe from harm, because they contain the actual words of God, which he says are all anyone actually needs, and not food, shelter or water,” Trump said. “And even though I know I didn’t write the Bible, I trust him that my words are in there, so I agreed and we made Sarah pick up a bunch of bibles we’ll throw at people after the storm stops.”

Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House issued a joint statement, criticizing Trump’s preparations, but stopping short of promising to do anything about it.

“We’re trying really hard to care more, but frankly we’re having fun robbing the country blind while everyone is distracted by the big idiot’s tweets, so, yeah,” the statement reads. “Good luck, plebeian Americans.”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This