WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump signed permanent funding for 9/11 first responders into law. The effort to secure a never-ending source of money to pay for the medical costs for those who risked life and limb to respond to the deadly September 11th, 2001 attacks on the United States was not an easy one. It took years of lobbying from firefighters and law enforcement officials who began to die from side effects associated with their heroic deeds. Over the past few weeks, Republican Senators Rand Paul of Kentucky and Mike Lee of Utah fought the passage of the funding bill, with Paul saying he’d “rather forget 9/11 than pay a single dollar more” in taxes than he has to.
Before signing the funding bill, however, President Trump paused to remember the brave men and women who would be receiving the funds. In an unforeseen twist, Trump announced that he had been on his way down to the former World Trade Center on that fateful day, just moments after the first plane crashed into the first tower. However, while on his way down to the scene of the attack, the president said he “had a different thought.”
“I get the glory all the time. Some might say I’m glorious that way. I don’t know if I would, but I just said it out loud, so I guess I did, and since I’m president by law that makes it truth,” Trump rambled. “I thought to myself that maybe for once someone else should be the hero, because I’ve done it so many times it’s almost boring to me now.”
Trump, picking his teeth with a prayer card from a 9/11 first responder funeral, continued.
“Believe me, though, folks, not even my very real and very painful bone spurs would’ve been able to stop me from personally rescuing seven thousand people and keeping the towers from falling,” Trump boasted, “and again, I’m president which according to Bill Barr means I’m automatically not lying.”
President Trump did mention, however, that as good as it feels to be magnanimous, he does have some regrets about not actually going down to Ground Zero to help on 9/11.
“Of course, if I would have known that there was money involved in the whole thing, I would’ve been there bigly! No one told me there would be a big pile of cash waiting for me eighteen years later,” Trump said, “and of course it really gets under my skin when someone else gets credit for something I didn’t do, so I wish I had been down there after all. Instead, I was stuck watching eighteen million angry Muslims dancing in New Jersey!”
The president said it’s a “national tragedy more people haven’t thanked” him personally for what he “almost did” that day.
“Do you know how few people have come up to me and thank me for almost being a hero? None,” Trump said. “That’s just a disgrace. And believe me, I know what disgraceful looks like.”
Despite not being able to collect any of the funds set aside for 9/11 first responders and their surviving family members, Trump did manage to find a way to congratulate himself.
“And now for the traditional part of every White House ceremony under my reign,” Trump said, “where I make everything about me. To that end, I’d like to present myself with this award.”
Trump reached down under the lectern and got out a bowling trophy that someone had glued random bits of hay to the bowler’s hair on top, and continued.
“This is the very first, and maybe only, President Trump Award for Trumpian Heroicness, Brave-itude, and Having a Normal Shaped and Sized Genital Organ,” Trump announced, clapping very loudly and looking expectantly at everyone else.
A handful of Trump aides and staff clapped, but mostly the Rose Garden was quiet. Trump tapped the microphone on the lectern, and asked if it was “on.” The same people who had clapped let out a tortured, forced laugh. The president gave everyone else the finger and ran away, tears filling his eyes.
“WHY COME EVERYBODY HATES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,” Trump should be heard shouting as he ran back inside the White House.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”