Trump Confides to First Lady He Felt Like Yates Grabbed Him By The ‘Presidential Pussy’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to alleged President Donald J. Trump say that last night say that he, when most of the White House staff had gone home for tonight, turned to First Lady Ivanka Trump and confided in her that he was “bigly upset” by what he’d seen on TV that day.

“Oh, no, Daddy,” Ivanka asked, “did you put your TV on something other than either Fox News or that channel we had them create for you here that’s just all old clips of you from the 1980’s and 1990’s, did you?”

President Trump confirmed he had changed the channel on the TV to C-SPAN.

“Sorry, honey,” Mr. Trump reportedly told his daughter, “I knew I’d be seeing you later, so I didn’t feel the need to touch myself, and I stopped watching all those videos of that really handsome Donald Trump guy talking. Man can he talk, can’t he? Like, the best talker guy I’ve ever heard, wouldn’t you agree Ivanka?”

Ivanka nodded her head.

“Yes Daddy,” she said with just a hint of a routine in her voice, she’d said this a million times before in her life, “you’re the bestest man at doing everything, and you have huge, huge hands. But, still, Daddy, you shouldn’t be watching other channels. What did you see?”

The president told his daughter he’d happened to watch former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Trump said earlier in the day, when he tweeted his “official presidential witness intimidation” of Yates, he’d felt much more confident in everything working his way.

“I felt so good, I even tweeted my intimidation twice,” Trump said, “because someone noticed that Obama had put a Sharia Voodoo curse on my Twitter account and now it randomly generates typos and misspellings of words I don’t know how to spell! I’m going to have Sean say something at a press conference and accuse that Kenyan bastard of doing it. Get the FAKE NEWS media looking into it for a bit while I talk to Vlad about what I should do next.”

Trump explained to his daughter and First Lady that during the hearing, he became alarmed at how unable the Senate Republicans were to derail it into a discussion of Hillary Clinton’s email scandal. One Republican, Ben Sasse, even called out his fellow GOP senators for trying to move the goal posts of the hearing. The president was hopeful, he told Ivanka, that the Republicans would be able to keep Yates from telling the committee, and therefore the world, that she had believed General Michael Flynn had been compromised well before Trump took office, and that Trump had basically tried to stonewall firing him.

“I just felt like she grabbed me by the presidential pussy,” Trump said, “and held on for dear life. Everything she said, even when Lying’ Ted Cruz the Booger Eater tried to mansplain the law to her, she was able to somehow best him! She broke her fucking foot off in his ass, Ivanka, and I gotta say, I’m getting a little, whats the word? Nervnoye, I think Vlad told me it is. Very, very nervnoye.”

Sources say Ivanka did everything she could to take her father’s mind off the hearing, and eventually she found something that could distract him.

“Here daddy,” Ivanka said, “let’s look at these pictures of me at the beach, by myself, without my kids, or my husband.”

The president’s mood seemed to shift, ever so slightly.

“Oh,” Trump said, “alright. Let’s see what you got. I mean I know what you got, know what I mean? But let’s…see what you’ve got.

Ivanka and her father laughed and cuddled until the sun came up, at which point Trump grabbed his Blackberry and fired off an angry tweet, as per his usual morning routine.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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