Preparations Underway for President Trump’s First Date With Putin

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of the world’s hottest and newest bromances is heating up! Word out of the Trump White House is that the president is “extremely anxious and bigly nervous” about his upcoming first date with Russian President Vladimir Putin, and that preparations have been underway for a week for it.

When the G-20 meet later this week, temporary President Donald Trump and Putin will be meeting for the first time since Trump was elected last year. More than 15 different intelligence agencies have assessed that Putin and Russia made an extraordinary effort to help Trump defeat Hillary Clinton in last year’s hotly contested presidential election. Trump, now the subject of a criminal obstruction of justice probe over his handling of the firing of former FBI Director James Comey over a separate probe into possible collusion between members of the Trump campaign and Russia, is said to be highly anticipating his first date with Putin.

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“I just want him to like me, you know,” Trump was overheard telling Sean Spicer this weekend, “Help me get him to like me! I’ll do whatever it takes!”

Source say that a team of the nation’s top makeup artists, tailors, and animal trainers have been working with the president in order to help groom, primp, and tame him so that his date with Putin can go as well as possible.

“The president has understandable First Date jitters,” Spicer later told reporters, “and I don’t want to get ahead of him, but he’s really thinking long and hard about whether he’ll go all the way on the date, or if he’s going to make Putin adhere to the Three Date Rule.”

It’s unclear at this time where Putin will take Trump on their date, though the president has vocalized a wish to “see more than just the local piss whores this time around.”

“We’ll be in Germany this time,” Trump reportedly told Kellyanne Conway, “so I’m hoping that when Vlad takes me out, we get to see more than just the local piss whores this time around.”

What really has Mr. Trump in a lather, we’re told, are his looks and wardrobe for the date. That’s why he’s hired tailors, hair dressers, and wardrobe consultants. It’s said by several sources close to Trump that he wants to make sure when Putin lays eyes on him, that “it’s a moment right outta romantic comedies.”

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“I want to come striding down those stairs,” Trump reportedly told his team, “and the song starts playing. I want there to be the moment where he sees me in this light for the first time, and he knows he made the right choice picking me. Maybe I was a homely looking orange orangutan before, but now I’m not wearing my glasses and I’ve had this stuff on my head I call hair cut and styled in a new and fantastic way. It’ll be the start of our happily ever after, the credits will roll, and the whole world will love me!”

At the time of publishing, the band Six Pence None the Richer has confirmed they’ve been hired by the White House to play “Kiss Me” as Trump comes downstairs and greets Mr. Putin.

“I just want to feel like Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman,'” Trump reportedly told Spicer as they were boarding Air Force One this morning, “let’s make that happen.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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