Trump: Only People Who Voted For Him Should Have First Amendment Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 2016, less than a month after being the conclusion of one of the most hotly contested political campaigns of all time, then President-Elect Donald Trump raised eyebrows when he tweeted that “nobody should be allowed to burn the American flag.” Many were alarmed that the soon-to-be most powerful man in the free world didn’t seem to be willing to give his critics their constitutionally guaranteed right to redress.

Throughout his extremely contentious first term as president, Trump has routinely assailed the press and those who criticize him. Stories in the media that can be potentially seen as negative for Trump are often called “fake news” and this week the White House pulled the press credentials of Playboy reporter Brian J. Karem after Trump supporter and America’s favorite European Nazi Seb Gorka picked a fight with Karem at a social media even in the Rose Garden.

To say that Trump has been hostile and resistant to the First Amendment protecting his opponents is a rather large understatement. This morning, President Trump held a special signing ceremony in the White House. Trump was signing a letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un, and wanted pictures of the occasion.

“Hope you’re doing well…hope your summer is…going…gooder than mine,” Trump was finishing up, “and I look forward to seeing you soon, My Little Rock Man…HA HA HA. I made a funny joke. You better be laughing right now, Kimmy. Sincerely, Donny J. Dotard.”

Trump signed the letter, folded it, and stuffed it into an envelope after licking it “like Vanky Baby likes it,” sealing it, and handing it to an aide. Then, trump turned his attention to the reporters assembled there.

“Let me just say this, okay,” Trump said, “I’m the president guy now. And if you read the Constitution, and believe me I’ve read the entire thing at least six hundred million times, literally, and so I know this is true. In fact I had the best constitutional lawyers I could buy check me on this so all you egghead libtard lawyer-types can blow me if you don’t like this. But anyway, the point is I’m going to use the powers the Constitution gives the president to make it so that only people who voted for me can have the First Amendment. Okay?”

The press corps were shocked. They couldn’t quite believe what they were hearing. After a moment of perplexed inner-turmoil, one reporter finally got up the gumption to ask on what authority Trump would make such a decree.

“Isn’t the point of the Constitution that anything the president says goes,” Trump asked.

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He genuinely wanted to know the answer to the question, it seemed.

“Because that’s what my people told me,” Trump continued, “and my people never lie to me. Why would they lie to me and tell me exactly what it is I want to hear? I mean, am I a super-wealthy, super-powerful man? Sure. Would I have the means to hire nothing but a team of Yes Men and Yes Women? Sure. But that’s not the point is it? No, really is it? I kind of lose track of my thought if I talk for more than a few seconds at a time. Who wants muffins? I love muffins!”

Trump could sense he was losing his audience, so he tried one more time to explain his position in a way everyone would understand. He sniffed deeply, cleared his throat. Trump spoke loudly and with great hubris, shouting almost, despite everyone being in close quarters with each other.

“So, the president is appointed by the people, right,” Trump asked rhetorically, pausing approximately two nanoseconds before continuing, “and the people are the voters. The voters who voted for me, picked the next President of the United States of America. I’m for them. They’re America. The real America. The gun toting, ammo hoarding, red blooded, meat eating, anti-LGBT, Islamaphobic, scared, snookered, cheated, bamboozled patriots of this great nation. They’re the only American citizens I will recognize, the ones who voted for me. The others? Well, they didn’t vote for me. And you know what I say to the ones who didn’t vote for me? Well, I’ve been practicing sounding more presidential so, let’s just say, FUCK THEM.”

President Trump lost the popular vote by the second largest margin in U.S. history. His Electoral College victory margin was less than both Obama and Bill Clinton terms.

Another Story: Trump Asks White House Engineers To Downsize The Big Red Button

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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