Trump Asks Ivanka To Be ‘Fill-in Melanie’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump reached out his First Lady today and asked her to fulfill some of the duties of her stepmother, Melania Trump.

“Ivanka, honey, sweetie, love of my life, apple of my eye, turgidity of my crotch zone, I have a bigly favor to ask of you,” Mr. Trump was overheard this morning in the bathroom, which he often refers to as his “Tweeting throne.”

The president apparently is starting to become acutely aware of the fact that people all around the country are wondering why his wife, Melania, has not been seen publicly in nearly a month. Early in May, the White House announced Mrs. Trump had been hospitalized for a kidney ailment, but was expected to make a full recovery. Since then, the president’s wife has not made a public appearance.

Mrs. Trump did use her official Twitter account a few days ago to chastise the press for “working overtime speculating” about her condition and whereabouts. However, that tweet didn’t seem to do much to quell the controversy, because its syntax and writing voice seemed quite similar to the president’s own tweeting style.

“Vanky, I need you to be my fillin’ Melanie,” Trump told his daughter. “You know, doing the fillin’ jobs.”

The president’s daughter didn’t know what her daddy meant.

“I don’t know what you mean, Daddy,” Ivanka told her father. “Fillin’? Huh?”

Trump corrected himself.

“Oh, no, sorry, I meant fill-in,” Trump said. “I’m told I can’t have you do those other kinds of jobs for some dumb reason. Anyway, wanna be my fill-in Melanie?”

Ivanka asked what the duties would entail.

“Mostly just running that anti-bullying thing she’s doing. Be Bigly Best or whatever it’s called,” the president said. “The most important part of that job is running it while pretending to not notice you’re sleeping with a big, fat bully.”

Ivanka thought about it for a couple minutes.

“Okay Daddy, whatever you need from me, I will do it, because I’m the Good Daughter who doesn’t tell our secrets, huh Daddy,” Ivanka asked.

The president reassured Ivanka she’s his favorite daughter, reminding her that he “barely even knows that other one’s name.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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