Trump On February Jobs Report: ‘I Make America Great Again By Taking Credit For The Black Guy’s Work’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — He hasn’t proposed a full budget. He hasn’t been in office for an entire quarter. His administration has been saddled with scandal after scandal and has not had a very smooth transition into power to say the slightest. But when the February jobs report came out, Co-President Donald Trump says he “just knew” they’d be the kind of thing that could lift his spirit because “taking credit for what other people did” is his “thing.”

“Folks, have you seen the February jobs report,” Trump asked reporters from several alt-right and right-wing media outlets that were invited to his special, closed-door, press conference of Trump’s personally-selected outlets, “it’s tremendous. Really bigly stuff. And you know what? I gotta take credit for it, because taking credit for what other people did is kinda my thing. Rich white guys stealing the credit from black dudes should really not surprise anyone. We did to jazz and rock and roll, we can do it to economic performance.”

Trump said that even though he harped for years alongside his fellow Republicans about Obamacare being a “jobs killer” and other such rhetorical criticisms, that clearly it didn’t matter as much. The co-president said what the jobs report shows is that the “power and majesty” of his “reign will not, cannot, and shall not be challenged, even by a fairly successful health insurance industry subsidy-type law.”

“Obamacare is terrible,” Trump said, “worse than cancer. Worse than slavery, which, by the way folks, was not that bad. I mean, hello? Free room and board, lots of sunshine and exercise? Learning valuable skills, that sure you can’t get paid for but would be valuable if you weren’t dark-skinned? That’s a win-win, everyone. Anyway, the point is that as bad as Obamacare is, and clearly it’s terrible, I’m able to overcome that and deliver jobs to you, personally.”

Mr. Trump explained that every single one of the 298,000 jobs should have an asterisk next to them, and a footnote that reads, “Thanks, President Trump, for this awesome job.”

“Think about it,” Trump said, “I come into power. I don’t pass a budget. My administration spends most of its time in Florida, meeting with rich CEOs to carve out how to get more money into their own pockets at the expense of the working class and denying all kinds of contacts with Russian officials, only to have it come out later we did in fact meet with Russians. And yet, despite all that, bing-bang-boom, JOBS! That’s winning folks — doing absolutely nothing and reaping all the rewards.”

Reached for comment, former President Barack Obama said he wasn’t surprised by Trump’s comments and taking credit for the February jobs report.

“He hasn’t nearly been in office long enough, or had any of his policies enacted, and hasn’t even repealed Obamacare yet, probably won’t at that,” Obama said as he was heading out with his wife Michelle to get lunch, “and he’s taking credit for the jobs numbers. That’s all thanks to the work my team did for eight years, but hey, if we got bitter every time a fat, asshole white guy took credit for something a black guy did, none of us would like jazz or rock and roll, so you know, YOLO, I guess.”

The Obama administration oversaw more than 70 months of consecutive, private-sector jobs growth. When he took office in January of 2009, Obama inherited an economy bleeding jobs at a rate of a million per month.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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