Trump Declares February “All Months Matter” Month

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 1976, Gerald Ford became the first president to officially declare the month of February “Black History Month.”

As has become a bit of a theme in his presidency, Donald J. Trump will reportedly buck that over 40 year old tradition and start a new one of his own design. In an executive order he’s reportedly set to sign today, Trump will order that Black History Month be officially replaced with a different commemoration for all twelve months. As he entered the White House from his lunch break one day this week, President Trump was asked about this move.

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“I’m not saying I’m doing that,” Trump said, “but let’s pretend I wanted to. First, no one can stop me. I mean, they can’t really stop anything I want to do because that’s literally what the Constitution says, folks. But let’s say the could stop me, why would they want to? Why are liberals such unrepentant month-ists, is what I want to know.”

President Trump told reporters that he felt it was “reverse monthism” to give February all of Black History Month and not let any other month “get some of that action.”

“Isn’t it just reverse monthism,” Trump asked, “to assume that there aren’t any other months that might like to be dedicated to learning the culture and history of one group or another?”

So, Trump plans to jam all of the Black History students would have learned in February into the very last day of each school year.

“Sure, maybe kids will be too distracted to pay attention,” Trump conceded, “but c’mon, I’m going out of my way to acknowledge the blacks here. Don’t I get some credit for not being an open racist? Doesn’t couching my racism in dog whistle terms mean anything to you people anymore?”

The alleged billionaire, who was sued in the 1970’s for housing discrimination against black people, said that he believes “all months hold value” and that “the lamestream, libtarded press that only libtards are dumb enough to believe” are the ones dividing people and months.

Trump said he feared that there were “forces at work” in the country that were trying to “commit January genocide” and “October cleansing.” He said that he was raised to believe that if the month had more than 20 days that was all that was needed to be considered a month in God’s eyes, which is good enough for him.

“Who are we to say one month holds more value than the other,” Trump asked, “and don’t all months deserve consideration? Why come we have a black month, and not a white month? Sure, we focus on the recorded history of white people literally every other month, but my election proved that white people are still very capable of thinking there’s not enough about life specifically tailored for them.”

Ultimately, Mr. Trump said that it’s the job of the president to foster “togetherness” and “unity.” Trump said there are “right ways and wrong ways to be inclusive.” Giving away whole months to “special pet interests” is an example of the wrong way to be inclusive, the president said.

“We need to be an inclusive country,” Trump told the reporters assembled, “and you can’t be inclusive if you don’t molly coddle the majority and make them feel like they’re the only ones that matter, you see.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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