Orange Man Who Pushed Racist Lie For Years Now Upset He May Be Victim Of Fake News

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-elect Donald Trump (R-Conmanistan) lashed out against the press today on Twitter, after a bombshell pair of stories were published by CNN and Buzzfeed. Trump took to twitter after CNN reported that Trump and President Obama had received briefings that indicated Russia has been “cultivating” Mr. Trump for years. The Buzzfeed story was more salacious in nature and included alleged sordid details of the kinds of compromising information Russian intelligence has on Trump.

Trump’s tweets lashed out at the media and at intelligence agencies for doing things he said made them comparable to “Nazi Germany.” Trump also refused to answer a question from a CNN reporter during his first press conference after being elected back in November.

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President-Elect Trump, while leaving Trump Tower this morning, responded to questions from the press about his tweets, and also offered some more insight into his thought process behind them.

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“Look,” Trump told the media pool, “I spent years pursuing the Birther thing, okay? I mean, I spent years and years of my life fronting and spreading a racist lie about President Barack Obama’s birth origins. I told people I was hiring investigators to look into the lies. Now, whether or not I even did that, you’ll never know because my whole game is talking shit and then not letting you figure out what was real and wasn’t.”

Trump rambled semi-coherently for ten minutes before rounding back to his original point.

“Anyway, the point is that I was King Birther for a long time,” Trump said, “and in that time I became what you might call an expert on total bullshit stories. I mean, it’s only natural. It’s like when you spend enough time around me you suddenly find yourself with enough knowledge to be a world famous proctologist. Some stuff just rubs off on you. You know, I was once in Moscow, and a young lady was rubbing me off, and, wait. Hold on, Vlad said I don’t have his permission to – shit. I’m not supposed to…goddamnit…”

Mr. Trump again stammered and rambled for another solid 25 minutes.

“So basically folks,” Trump said, “I can tell you without any doubt in my mind that the peeing stuff is false, fake news. Lies. I know lies. I tell lies. I tell the best lies. I lie better than anyone has lied. Make America Great Again? C’mon, it’s not a lie but it’s meaningless bullshit, so same-same, really. And you know, it just kinda makes me sad. Way down deep in my cholesterol-laden heart. Because it’s just not true, folks. And it’s so shameful and wrong to harm a person with totally false and made-up allegations…”

President-Elect Trump sniffed.

“…if that person isn’t a black Democrat, of course,” Trump finished.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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