WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump boasted to right-wing media outlets in the Oval Office today that his recent interview on “Face the Nation” garnered higher TV ratings than when the allies liberated the Nazi concentration camp at Auschwitz during World War II. Though he’d later admit that television ratings weren’t invented until two years after the most infamous death camp was closed down, Trump still insisted he’s “seen things from people” that indicate his ratings would have been higher.
Television’s Nielsen ratings were first conducted back in 1947, about two years after the death camp at Auschwitz was liberated. However, that didn’t seem to put much of a pause in the president’s rhetoric.
“You say TV ratings weren’t a thing back then, sure,” Trump conceded, “but I then ask you why that has to matter?”
President Trump said that he wanted to bring up the ratings to prove he’s “clearly more popular than 9/11.”
“The FAKE NEWS will have you believe that I’m not popular at all,” Mr. Trump insisted, “But the ratings clearly show I’m more popular than the deadliest terrorist attack perpetrated on our soil, that’s bigly.”
After a reporter asked him why he needed to bring up the ratings at all, considering it would never be a fair comparison, Trump seemed to hedge, ever so slightly. In his trademark fashion, he found a way to equivocate and justify his tone and word choice to the American public. Trump implied that, among his base anyway, he would certainly be more popular than the liberation of a Nazi death camp.
“Fine, maybe by TV ratings couldn’t have been higher,” Trump admitted before adding, “but I know I’m more popular than liberating Auschwitz. At least among the lovely people who elected me and sent all those nice memes of people in ovens to folks on Twitter during last year’s election that’s true, I bet.”
The president said his top adviser, Steve Bannon, told him not to worry about any backlash in the media over his comments.
“Steve said that of course the Shlomo-types, if you know what I mean, will be upset by this,” Trump said, “because that’s what they do. They get offended like the cultural Marxist intelligentsia they are. But he said that real, good, clean, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding, cross burning Americans will understand what I’m trying to say here, and will get on board the Trump train. CHOO-CHOO!”
Trump said another of his advisers took it a step further.
“Seb Gorka told me not to worry about offending them because he said that Hollow Cast thing never even happened,” Trump said, “so there’s that, too, I guess, right?”
For the next forty minutes Trump made train sounds into the decolletage of his daughter Ivanka, who had been sitting quietly on his lap the whole time, smiling. The Anti-Defamation league released a short, four-word response to Trump’s comparison of himself to liberating Auschwitz.
“Oh for fucks’ sake,” the statement read.
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.