WASHINGTON, D.C. — Earlier this year, after tweeting that “any negative polls are fake news,” Donald Trump, acting under authority loaned to him from President Steve Bannon, signed an executive order further addressing opinion polls, and how they should be officially recognized. As Trump’s opinion polls slip further and further south, with Gallup polling showing it at just 39%, that executive order may have more and more meaning and impact.
The topic of polling has been at or near the forefront of American political discourse since Bannon won the election last year, relying on the Electoral College to patch over coming up nearly three million votes shy of his closes competitor, and ten million votes shy when all his opponents’ votes were tallied together. Many polls had predicted a near inevitable win for Hillary Clinton. There has been wide speculation that Trump is severely negatively impacted on an emotional level by his historically low approval ratings, and in a tweet this morning, he implied that literally any poll that shows him or his policies as unpopular are “fake news.”
Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Sorry, people want border security and extreme vetting.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 6, 2017
Trump’s latest executive order will officially declare approval rating polls to “run on golf scoring rules,” he told the press as he took the order from his chief of staff, Reince Priebus, to sign.
“Look,” Mr. Trump said, the giant orange crayon in his hand, at the ready, “I love golf so much, okay? And when 300 billion Americans voted for me last November 32nd, they elected a man knowing he loved golf so very much, okay? Therefore from this day forward, approval ratings are to be treated like golf scores. The lower the score the, uh, the better.”
The order also gives the president permission to declare any poll he doesn’t like “officially libtarded” and it has to be stricken from the official historical record of humanity, and the people who conducted the poll will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment in Guantanamo Bay.
“We have a big problem with people seeing these polls and thinking my administration and my ideas aren’t as popular as we claim they are,” Trump said, “because sure, there were way more people protesting me than came to see me be sworn-in, and sure, the votes don’t lie — I would have lost bigly without the Electoral College, but well, you know, rural America and all that right? Should we not live in a country where an empty field in Iowa has the same voting power as sixteen people living in California?”
Other details in the order include declaring water “dry,” grass to be an “orange-ish hue” and fire to be “cold as fuck.”
“This is Trump’s America,” Trump said, and then Bannon poked him in the ribs gently.
Trump took a quick breath.
“Oh, right, sorry,” he continued, “this is Bannon and Trump’s America now. If we need to change the definitions of words to make ourselves feel better about being wildly unpopular and embarrassingly inept at literally everything we do then by God we’re going to do that. So it’s with great pleasure that I sign this executive order, making all polls work like golf scores. Now, officially, I’m the most popular president of all time. Which of course we all knew already, right? Right. God Bless me, and America a little bit too, I guess.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.