WASHINGTON, D.C. — At hastily thrown together signing ceremony, President Donald Trump continued his string of executive orders that he’s issued since being sworn into office just over a week ago. Trump has signed several orders ranging from the benign and ceremonial to the very real and immediately felt like his banning of refugees or immigrants entering the country from one of seven Islamic countries. Today, he signed one more executive order, aimed at giving him and his party a little more “legal wiggle room,” as one aide would later admit under condition of anonymity and turkey jerky.
“For over 200 years we’ve gone along with this one Constitution,” Trump said as he was handed the order, “and so I think it’s time to shake things up. We Republicans are ready to move on, and so this order will authorize the drafting and adoption of a new, alternative Constitution, to be used only while my regime — excuse me, administration — is in office.”
Trump explained that the Alternative Constitution would “look and feel very similar” to the legacy Constitution but it would be written on a cocktail napkin and there would be some “very important, very key differences” between the two documents.
“For starters, throw out every amendment after the Tenth,” Trump said, “because believe me folks. A lot of good came from the Reconstruction Acts, but those amendments have been really mistreated, Steve Bannon’s told me. Like, did you know that liberal lawyers have actually used the 14th Amendment’s equal protection to clause to claim that means that gays deserve equal protection? What, just because it literally says equal protection that means we have to protect everyone equally? Sorry folks, not on my watch, not any longer. So, bye bye Reconstruction Acts.”
The 22nd Amendment, which prohibits people from running and winning more than two consecutive terms would also be a casualty of the revision. Trump said it “just makes sense that the guy who lost the popular vote in historic fashion” would get to be president as long as he wants.
“Just because more Americans hate me than support me,” Trump said, “that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get to be president until I draw my last breath. At that point I’ll hand over control to my beautiful, sexy, and totally bangable daughter Ivanka, which will be allowed under the Alternative Constitution you see.”
While the original Bill of Rights — the first ten amendments to the Constitution — will still exist in Trump’s Alternative Constitution, there will still be “key changes” made, he said.
“Well, we will still have the First Amendment, so freedom of religion is there,” Trump said, “but only if your freedom makes you choose Christianity. Makes sense. That way, let’s say we wanted to ban people from a certain religion, we’d be free to do so now. Also, freedom of speech and thought are there, but you can’t say or think something that goes against Christianity.”
The Second Amendment’s protections of the right to bear arms will be “wholly untouched” except for a slight change, Trump said.
“It’ll say the correct people’s right to bear arms shall not be infringed,” Trump said.
Asked who the correct people are, Trump winked. He smiled. He nudged the reporter with his elbow.
“You know, the paler ones who don’t scream about Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars,” Trump said, “they’re allowed to have guns. Pretty much the rest of the Bill of Rights is the same just with the words, ‘EXCEPT FOR MUSLIMS’ written in big, bold, all-caps letters tacked onto each of the amendments.”
Reached for comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), said he was “devastated and outraged” by the order.
“Look, it’s frightening to me as an American that he’d tried to create a new, separate but equal constitution to legalize hatred and bigotry,” Schumer said, “but as a Democrat I know it’ll take hard work and effort to fight him on it, so I’ll probably just roll over but still make a big, fat, public stink about what he’s doing, but yeah, I’m not going to do jack-shit. You caught the part where I said I was a Democrat, right? Just making sure.”
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