Trump to Erect Wall In Front of Next Rally

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In what he’s calling an “effort to keep the yooge losers who protest” his rallies out, billionaire reality-TV Republican front runner Donald J. Trump told reporters in front of his apartment building in New York City that he was going to construct a wall to keep protesters out of his next campaign event.

“Not only are we going to build the wall,” Trump yelled at the media, “we’re going to make those protesters pay for it too!” Mr. Trump, who has made it a mantra of his on the campaign trail that he will build a wall between the United States and Mexico on their shared southern border, said that the decision to keep out “yooge friggin’ riff-raff” with a wall came very naturally to him. Trump told his audience the wall would be “built with the finest of the cheapest materials we can find” and that “only yooge friggin’ losers” would try to circumvent it.

Mr. Trump, when asked later about the wall as he was leaving the gym, told reporters that he was “fed up with people using their First Amendment rights” at his rallies and that he was “looking into suing protesters right there on the friggin’ spot” as a means to discourage them from even showing up.

“Look, I’m not a lawyer,” Trump told the press, “but I can hire a whole bunch who will take my money and tell me anything I want to do is possible. So I’m going to give them a ton of money and then they’re going to tell me I can friggin’ sue protesters for exercising their constitutionally protected free speech. Bim-bam-boom, you’re sued.”

If the wall doesn’t keep protesters out, and he is unable to sue them, Trump said he doesn’t really know what to do.

“All I friggin’ know how to do is win and build walls,” Mr. Trump told reporters, “and I will do that. I will win, I will build walls. I will win something else, build another wall. I’ve won and then built more walls than anyone in the known history of the universe ever, including Tommy Winsandbuildswalls, who is a very close personal friend of mine. Very close. Not as close as Ivanka and me. We’re tight, my daughter and me. Super tight. So very, very tight. Mmmm. Tight.”

The Republican National Convention will be held in Cleveland this summer, and many pundits and politicians believe it will be a brokered convention since the establishment wing of the GOP doesn’t seem interested in backing Trump, at least not yet.

“They’ll come around,” Trump said, “because this is America and we have one thing we do politically — choose teams and then base all our decisions based on team membership instead of logic and reasoning.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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