WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Co-President Donald J. Trump signed an executive order that he said he hopes “stops all the fuss over who got more votes than whom” in last year’s hotly contested presidential election.
“Look, we all know I got more votes than anyone in the history of elections,” Trump said, “even if the FAKE NEWS won’t print that totally true fact. But Steve and I started talking last night and we agreed that what the country needs now is healing. So this order is meant to officially put the 2016 election behind us, and once Vladimir gave us permission to issue it, we rushed down here to do just that.”
Trump let Bannon hold his hand and the two men signed the order together.
“What we just signed,” Trump explained, “is an order declaring my Electoral College margin of victory to be amazing and historical. That way, no one really cares that so many more millions of Americans voted against me, you see? Because it’s getting kind of depressing trying to be supreme leader when every twenty seconds some smart ass reminds you that between all your opponents, you were outvoted by 10 million, and that if our elections in this country were run like elections for presidents in every other country I’d have lost soundly to Crooked Hillary. It’s hard, guys.”
Wiping away a tear that formed in his right eye, Co-President Trump continued.
“I’m just saying that you all should try leading this great country of 62 million Americans and 75 million un-American assholes who didn’t vote for me,” Trump said, “I was told specifically that once I won everyone would realize what a tremendously bigly warm and sincere person I am. Instead, the media’s all, like, quoting me accurately and holding me accountable. That’s sucky.”
Mr. Trump explained that he’s “never, not once” had to hold himself accountable, and he “damn sure hates it” when others try to do it to him.
“I got a giant loan to start my business enterprises and never had to work for my capital investments,” Trump told the media, “while time and again I’ve had the courts and taxpayers bail me out of my bad debts because I run businesses into the ground, and again, no accountability. I need that, and as far as I know it says in the Constitution that my job is tremendously powerful, but has zero responsibility for the actions I take or the decisions I make. WOAH THAT RHYMED! Sweet!”
Trump high-fived Bannon, who grabbed Trump by the right buttock and kissed his cheek in a sign of solidarity. It’s a celebration they do in the White House any time someone says something that ends in a rhyme.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.