Trump Warns His Enemies Not to Interfere in Midterms by Voting for Democrats

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With just a matter of days left before Americans head to the polls for the first mid-term election of his presidential tenure, President Donald Trump took to Twitter over the weekend and issued a warning about “VOTER FRAUD.”

Mr. Trump’s tweet is seen below.

This morning, President Trump upped the ante and doubled-down on his warnings, issuing a thinly-veiled but yet vague threat to all his “enemies” should they try to interfere with the midterm elections.

“First of all, I need to say this for the record and any of my, you know, COMRADES, who might be listening around the world,” Trump said in the Oval Office, his lips still greasy from the morning KFC run he had his aides go on. “This doesn’t apply to you, okay, COMRADES?! But I want to say this right here, right now, to all of my enemies both domestic and also inside this country — do not tamper with our elections by voting for Democrats.”

Trump said his “Make America Great Again” agenda is “under attack” by “the crazy mob rule Democrats.” As he said this, Trump turned down the volume on a TV that was tuned to Fox News replaying a segment from a rally he held earlier in the week. The crowd behind and around him was chanting “Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up!”

“Apparently, there are some out there who think they can vote for whoever they want to. I don’t know if someone out there didn’t get the memo, but I’m still your president. Doesn’t matter what I do, or what I say, I will always be your president,” Trump said. “Even if I happen to, accidentally of course, commit a high crime or misdemeanor, I’m still your president. FOREVER. What this means is very simple, folks — what Is say goes. FOREVER.”

Trump indicated that his first tweet was “really about this same thing” but that he wanted to keep it concise.

“I was going to make sure I put ‘THIS IS TO ALL THE MOB RULE DEMONCRAT JERK MOUTH ASSHOLE FUCKFACES OUT THERE’ but apparently you can’t just type and type and type on Twitter,” Trump said. “I like my rallies because I can literally just ramble incoherently for 45 minutes and hundreds of people pretend I’m saying something smart and important.”

The president warned of “dire consequences” for anyone who votes against Republicans and said that he has “made special arrangements” to “protect the election from disaster.”

“So every single voting booth in America has a camera in it, pointed at your ballots,” Trump said, “and I’ve instructed Stephen Miller to personally oversee every single, solitary vote that’s cast. Being a nocturnal Nazi vampire, he doesn’t need sleep, so as long as we keep him plied with the blood of Mexican babies we kidnapped at the — you know what? Let’s just leave it there.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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