Trump Emails Hacked: Grandma Forwards And Daddy-Daughter Porn Found

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In a campaign year that has already seen more than its fair share of hacking story lines, another has just emerged. The Donald Trump campaign announced this morning that they were the target of a cyber attack, and that the hackers were able to download “gigabytes of email forwards like your grandma sends you” and a “trove of daddy-daughter porn.”

“We were the victims of a vicious hacking attack,” Trump told reporters outside his New York apartment building, “and I am just sickened by it. What kind of craven jerks hack email systems to try and influence elections? Who would do such a thing? Who would encourage it? Weird,” Trump said while breathing through his teeth, “very, very weird.”

Mark Sanderson, a deputy assistant junior media liaison for the Trump campaign gave the press a brief rundown of the kinds of materials the hackers absconded with.

“The hackers were able to download gigabytes of email forwards like your grandma sends you,” Sanderson told reporters, “you know, the kind of stuff that’s mildly racist about President Obama? The kinds of emails that imply liberals want to take ‘In God We Trust’ off our currency. The kinds of emails that swear to have reliable sources ‘in the government’ that say that Obama is planning to literally starve the troops. That kinda thing.”

Hackers were also able to download some very NSFW materials as well.

“They found Mr. Trump’s trove of daddy-daughter porn,” Sanderson told the media, “but let me be very clear about this material. Yes, it’s sexually explicit and the plot lines all revolve around dads having sex with their daughters. But these are adult actors. No kiddie porn was found. Just regular, normal, incest fantasy porn.”

It is unclear at this time, Sanderson says, where the hackers are from, though he said one country can certainly be ruled out.

“It’s not the Russians, we know that for a fact,” Sanderson said. When pressed for reasons why the Trump camp knows the hackers weren’t Russian, Sanderson winked, touched his nose, and said, “We have our ways of knowing these things.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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