WASHINGTON, D.C. — When people noticed that the White House’s official website no longer contains a reference to the Judicial Branch of the U.S. government, many eyebrows were raised. The timing was quite suspect, as a lower federal court had just issued a stay on President Donald Trump’s controversial executive order banning immigrants and refugees from seven Islamic countries into the country. This morning at what has become a routine event, President Trump signed a set of executive orders, one of which explains why the reference to America’s court system was removed.
Taking the order from Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, Trump smiled. He read the order to himself, mouthing the words he read like a second grader would. He spoke after nodding his head up and down in a rehearsed but solemn way.
“Of course, of course,” Trump said, “this is the one on eliminating the judicial branch. We all know what that one’s about right? Right. Serious stuff. Has to be done. Gotta cut the fluff. Gotta trim the fat. Washington’s too fat, you know? Gotta slim down. Washington’s looking like my first wife, and I need her to trim down to at least Melania size, and maybe even Ivanka size.”
President Trump, as he was signing the order, gave some of the reasoning and rationale that he and “Co-President Bannon came up with.”
“Do you know how hard it is to be president when everyone’s checking and balancing your power,” Trump asked rhetorically, “because I don’t think the founders did. This whole separation of powers thing makes it really hard to do whatever it is I want. Which, as president, I’m constitutionally promised to get to do. At least that’s what my lawyers — the best matzoh eaters I could buy, by the way — tell me, and what else would I be paying them for but to listen to what they have to say and take it as gospel truth?”
There is a personal motivation for closing the country’s courts, Trump admitted. Though he said his experiences only “colored” his views, they didn’t force him to make a decision one way or the other. That, he said, is “Bannon’s job.”
“I’ve just lost so many times in court,” Trump said, “whether it’s bankruptcy court, divorce court, or you know, settling a twenty-five million dollar fraud case before going to court. So if you ask me, the courts are just a way to punish benevolent rich guys like me.”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said that “as an American with a brain” he’s “deeply troubled by this move” but that “as a Republican” he’s “incredibly stoked.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters he wasn’t going to raise a stink because Trump promised him his very own bathtub full of coal to bathe in. Congressional Democrats are rumored to be meeting later today to figure out a strategy that makes them look like they’re taking action, but are really just rolling over so that they can abuse the same authority and power themselves when they’re back in the White House.
This is a developing story.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.