With Tom Marino Out, Trump Taps El Chapo for Drug Czar

WASHINGTON, D.C.– This morning, President Donald Trump took to Twitter and announced that Rep. Tom Marino (R) had contacted him and told the president he no longer wanted to be considered for the position of drug czar.

Trump’s decision to nominate Marino came under heavy criticism after reports in the media revealed that the congressman had played a vital, active role in ushering in key legislation that helped usher in the opioid crisis currently facing the nation. A Washington Post report states that the Ensuring Patient Access and Effective Drug Enforcement Act, the law that Marino was the chief congressional proponent of, was long opposed by the DEA because it makes it “virtually impossible” to seize large narcotic shipments, no matter how much authorities might suspect they are being trafficked outside the law.

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Marino’s withdrawal left Trump with an opening to fill yet again, and he took to Twitter to announce who his next choice would be.

The move was immediately questioned by both the left and the right. Republicans on the Hill wondered, under anonymity, if Trump might lose his base by hiring a Mexican to do something other than clean his apartment. Democrats criticized the fact that “El Chapo” is a criminal drug kingpin. The president was stopped on his way out of the White House for his routine morning driving range practice and asked about the criticisms of his latest nomination, and he batted those criticisms away.

“First of all, I’m president now,” Trump said, “which means I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. It was really nice of the founders to create this system with checks and balances so that I could rule like a dictator. So, I’ll nominate whoever the fuck I want, for whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want.”

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President Trump tried to walk off at that point, but the press pool persisted.

“Look, El Chapo might be an out of the box, frankly nonsensical pick for this position,” Trump conceded, “but I’ve got a brain surgeon who acts like he has brain damage as my Housing Secretary. I put a man in charge of the EPA who hates the environment. So, come on, let’s stop acting surprised every time I do something stupid or shitty.”

Trump took the time to explain himself further.

“I’m just saying if you feel like you have to take a shit, and you go into the bathroom, sit down on the toilet, and take a shit,” Trump began, “then why the hell would you be surprised when you turned around, looked in the bowl, and found turds? At this point, I should be the completely expected turd. The dependable shit. The reliable fecal clay. You get the point. The point is, well, that I’m shitty, and being surprised at my shit-like properties at this juncture is silly.”

El Chapo could not be reached for comment.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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