Trump Ejects ‘Tiny, Infantile Protester With Giant Hands’ From Rally

FOLE’S FALLS, VIRGINIA — At a campaign rally this morning, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump had a protester ejected from the hall in which he was delivering a speech. Mr. Trump screamed from the stage to have his security remove who he described as a “tiny, infantile protester with giant hands.” Secret Service and venue security were able to remove he protester without incident.

“I just hate it when these little shits come to my rallies,” Trump said, “I mean, what are they wanting me to do, kiss them or something? Get outta here with that.”

Mr. Trump said that he “only kisses two women in [his] life.”

“My wife and Ivanka,” Trump said, “I’m not going to kiss anyone else, especially not some short little protester with humongous hands. What if they decided to strangle me with those massive mitts when I’m bending down to kiss them?”

Trump said that his policy has long been that “crying protesters” be removed from his rallies. He said the attention should be on him at all times, and he doesn’t like sharing attention with anyone, “no matter how cute or cuddly the protester may seem.” He also cited a major concern for security in having the “super young looking” protester thrown out.

“These millennials with their Tinders and their websites,” Trump said, “you just don’t know how much you can trust them. I had one vomit all over me, and another one tried to pull my tie off my shirt and kept babbling incoherently.” After a pause, Trump admitted, “Though the babbling incoherently part I actually really admired and could sympathize with. Reminded me of Sarah Palin a little.”

The alleged billionaire and confirmed D-List celebrity told reporters after the rally that he “has zero problem” with security “roughing up these pint-sized protesters people keeping bringing” to his rallies. He said he’d gladly “foot the bill” for anyone who takes it upon themselves to “get a little hinky” with them.

“I’m not saying you should just pop one of these tiny, really immature looking protesters with ginormous hands in the face or anything,” Trump yelled at the crowd while the protester was being removed, “but you all know I have a lot of money, like a lot a lot a lot of money. So I’m just saying someone might be able to pay your legal fees if you do.”

Before leaving the rally stage, Trump had a message for any other similar protesters that might be tempted to go to his rallies and “make too much noise” during his speech.

“Grow up, okay,” Trump admonished, “just…grow up.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This