Report: Trump Could Nominate Frederick Douglass For FBI Director Post

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After President Donald Trump got permission from Vladimir Putin and fired FBI Director James Comey earlier this week, the hunt for a replacement was on. The search is the subject of intense speculation and scrutiny, and several sources from within the White House are saying that Trump may have already settled on a candidate he says has “done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more.”

“The rumors we’re hearing are that the president is going to nominate Frederick Douglass to replace James Comey,” one source only identified as SmellyAnne Smonway told reporters in an email, “and we couldn’t be more excited.”

Smonway told us that President Trump is already planning a trip to Bowling Green, Kentucky, where he’ll invite Douglass to join him. The invitation will be sent via the White House Microwave Communication Network, or WHMCN as it’s come to be known in the Trump Era. The invitation has not been sent yet, but Trump and his team are confident that Douglass will accept.

“Frederick Douglass was a Republican,” another source who would wanted to be identified as Fleince Flebus said, “and so we think it’d be a really natural fit for him to join this first Republican administration in eight years. We have every confidence Mr. Douglass will accept this invitation.”

Some Americans might be confused because Frederick Douglass died in 1895. For the Trump administration, Douglass’ deceased status is a “plus not a minus,” Flebus said.

“Let’s face it,” Flebus told us, “if no one is really running the FBI, can it really conduct effective investigations? Probably not. NOT THAT WE CARE WHAT GETS PROBED BY THE FBI, I SWEAR GUYS!”

The president apparently feels that there could be a lot of political capital to be gained from hiring Douglass as well.

“The urbans will love me if I do this,” Trump reportedly told the staff, “they’ll be my best friends forever and ever and ever!”

If Douglass’ mortal remains or disembodied spirit choose to decline the offer, there are other names on Trump’s shortlist.

“The Russian president did us all a big solid and sent us a list of candidates he’d like to see,” Smonway wrote in her email, “and Ambassador Kislyak delivered that list yesterday. We’re currently going through the names. One that jumped right out was Vladimir Putin. We’d like to know more about that guy. If the Russian president recommends him for the job, he must have flawless credentials.”

Frederick Douglass did not return our requests for comment.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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