Trump Hopes Putting Don Jr. On “Timeout” Will Resolve Russian Collusion Scandal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though his administration is doing its level best to mitigate the damage, buzz on the Hill is rampant that when The New York Times published its report on his oldest son taking a meeting with a Russian lawyer has had a major impact on President Donald Trump’s agenda. After being promised negative information on Hillary Clinton from the Russian government, Donald Trump Jr. took the meeting. Don Jr. claims nothing came of the meeting and even told Sean Hannity on Fox News that it was a waste of time of sorts.

However, sources close to the White House are saying now that the president plans to discipline Don Jr. publicly, in the hopes that this move will help resolve the Russian collusion scandal embroiling his administration.

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“The president plans to put Don Jr. on Timeout,” one source close to Trump said, “and President Trump has no plans of letting Don Jr. off the hook easily this time. We hear he’s even considering taking away video games for two whole weeks, and if he does it again, the president has promised even stiffer punishments.”

The younger Trump’s explanation for the meeting at first was that the lawyer wanted to talk about adoptions which are blocked by U.S. law. That narrative quickly melted away when the Times published its story. Prior to publication, Trump Jr. attempted to get ahead of the story by releasing the full email chain that the news article was based around. The subject line of the email contains the word “Russia” in it, and the body of the email references, directly, the Russian government’s effort to help sway the election in his father’s favor.

“It’s really hard for anyone who isn’t currently, or at least plans to have President Trump’s dick in the mouths, metaphorically speaking,” one source said to us, “and even someone as lost in a delusional cloud of constant affirmation by hired Yes Men can see that. It’s damaging to his already pretty worthless brand. The president knew he had to do something about it, and he figured a time out is the best thing for all parties involved.

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Those with knowledge of the situation have told the press that President Trump has warned his son that further “fuck-ups,” as he put it, will not be tolerated. They indicate that the president is keenly aware of the need to “not look like a cuck,” and that his base won’t “tolerate any beta male shit.” He has to look tough for them, his base.

“If Don Jr. doesn’t shape up,” one source told us, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the president doesn’t take away his hunting license and a few of his assault rifles, excuse me, hunting rifles.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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