Defiant Trump Says He Doesn’t Have a Doctrine Because He’s Not Licensed to Practice Medicine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A defiant, and perhaps even angry President Donald Trump told reporters in the press pool that he’s “sick and friggin’ tired of being asked questions about the Trump Doctrine.”

“I don’t do any doctrine, okay,” Trump insisted, pointing at himself, “because I’m too busy making deals. Great deals. The best deals. Many people tell me no one can make a deal like I can make a deal, you know. And besides, even if I wasn’t too busy wheelin’ and dealin’, I couldn’t do any doctrine because I don’t have a license to practice medicine.”

Mr. Trump said that he’s grown increasingly frustrated and upset at being asked about his foreign policy doctrine. Trump recently ordered a strike against a Syrian airbase in response to that country’s president attacking his own citizens with gas bombs. The videos of victims were said to have changed Mr. Trump’s mind on regime change being necessary to resolve the longstanding civil war that has taken place during much of President Bashar al-Assad’s reign.

“I just don’t get why you guys keep asking me about doctrine,” Trump said with his arms crossed, “just because I hired a brain surgeon to run HUD, that doesn’t mean I think I should be practicing medicine. Some stuff is too stupid for even me to contemplate, and practicing unlicensed medicine is one of them.

The alleged billionaire who stunned the world and upset former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in lastyear’s presidential election did say, however, that the only thing keeping him from being “the best doctrine doctor in the country” was that he is currently “slumming it as President.” If he’d wanted to, Trump said, he could pay for medical school and take all the required board certifications and tests to become a top doctor in no time.

“Then you’d all see the kind of doctrine I could be doing,” Trump said, “you’d see I’d be the best doctor ever. People would write books on how to doctor like me, that’s how good my doctrine would be. I’d be doctrine left, I’d be doctrine right. You couldn’t keep me from doctrine the entire country if they needed my expert doctor skills.”

A White House staffer brought Mr. Trump a dictionary. He pointed the president to the definition of “doctrine.” Trump nodded knowingly, though many in the room would later indicate that they weren’t sure if he really understood or not.

“Oh, so,” Trump stammered, “doctrine, NOT doctorin’? That’s how it’s…Okay. Well, that’s different then. Never mind.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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