Trump Disappointed to Leave Office Without Wind Cancer Vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For a one-term president, regrets about unfinished work are par for the course, even for a president as bombastic, self-aggrandizing, and confident as President Donald J. Trump. Though he may still outwardly project the image of a man fighting to retain control of power, reality has reportedly begun to truly set in, and according to many sources close to the outgoing, lame duck president, he’s started to speak openly and candidly about items on his agenda he simply won’t be able to get to.

“More and more, the president seems to be coming to the conclusion that most of the country had come to by about a week after the election,” one White House aide was quoted as saying in the Wall Street Gazette and Post this week. “He’s starting to realize that there are things he wanted to accomplish as president that he won’t be able to get done, and that is giving him a bigly sad. A very bigly sad. The bigliest sad he’s had in quite some time.”

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In particular, Trump seems to be devastated that, despite his best efforts and spending hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on an awareness campaign, he will leave office having not made any impact on the fight against windmill cancer. The subject is near and dear to Trump, and he had vowed to not leave office until there was a vaccine for the disease that kills zero Americans a year. Now, with well under a month left to go in his presidency, Trump knows any windmill cancer vaccine will be developed under a Biden administration, and that has him seething with rage.

“The president just feels it’s a shame that nobody was even talking about windmill cancer before he was elected,” the source said, “and now, if Sleepy Toe-Teepy-Bo-Beepy Biden is in office when the windmill cancer vaccine is developed, will anyone even mention President Trump’s name?”

Reportedly, Mr. Trump is considering some extraordinary steps to ensure he gets the credit he feels he is due.

“President Trump is actively pursuing litigation that would force any windmill cancer vaccine to bear his name,” the White House staffer divulged, “and when everyone gets their Trump Windmill Vaccine, the’ll know exactly who to thank then.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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