WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, President Trump visited and spoke to the Farm Bureau.
While speaking to the association’s annual gathering, Mr. Trump also signed two executive orders he said were aimed at helping farmers specifically. Trump not only spoke about issues facing farming and agricultural industries, he also spoke about patriotism, and respecting the flag and National Anthem.By outward appearances, the speech seemed to go well for Trump insofar as he was speaking to a group that largely supports him, rural farmers, and his speech was as well-received as could be hoped for.
However, sources close the president are indicating that the alleged billionaire was not as happy after the speech was over and he was headed down to Georgia to take part in the festivities that opened the college football national championship game.
“The president expressed his irritation at being unable to visit with Old McDonald or take a tour of his vowel production facilities,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters this morning. “Old McDonald’s chicks, cows, and sheep are legendary in the farming community, and the president felt one legend should finally meet another.”
Unfortunately for Mr. Trump, Old McDonald could not be tracked down prior to the day’s events. According to several sources, Trump was incensed and personally insulted by what he called an “egregious snub.” Despite being told that Old McDonald is just a fictional character, Trump insisted he was being personally insulted. President Trump said in the future, when he speaks to other farming or agricultural conventions, he wants to be treated “more betterer.”
“If I don’t get to grab Miss Muffet by her tuffet after speaking to the Dairy Association,” Trump was overheard screaming at Huckabee, “I’m going to be so pissed!”
After several hours of intense negotiation, Trump’s aides were able to convince him to calm down. They offered a compromise.
“Sir, what if instead of seeing Old McDonald, we take you to McDonald’s instead? Would that work,” Chief of Staff General John Kelly asked his boss.
Trump cautiously nodded his head.
“Can I get a Happy Meal,” he asked.
Kelly told him he could get a Happy Meal. Trump beamed. He stopped on his way out of the door, though, to ask another question.
“Then can we go to Burger King? I love their Whoppers,” Trump said.
Kelly said they could in fact go to Burger King after McDonald’s.
“And then Taco Bell,” Trump asked.
“Sure, sir, and then Taco Bell,” Kelly responded. “I know you love their Cheesy Gordita Crunch things.”
Trump was starting to feel sated, but he wasn’t quite ready to completely surrender the initial plan yet.
“John, I mean, if we’re going to hit up all those other places…”
“…we can go to KFC, sir. That’s fine,” Kelly said with resignation.
Trump turned and looked into the lens of a camera that had been taping the whole conversation.
“It’s good to be the dotard king,” Trump said with smug satisfaction.