Trump Directs NASA To Verify Which Planet Girls Go To When They Get More Stupider

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump told reporters this morning that he will take a page out of President John F. Kennedy’s playbook and challenge NASA in a similar way that Kennedy challenged America to land humans on the moon and return them safely to Earth.

“Just like President Kennedy challenged us all to go to the moon,” Trump told reporters outside his Trump Tower apartment building, “when I take office in a couple of weeks, I will challenge NASA, our space nerds as I call them, to land people on the planet Jupiter. It’s time we found out once and for all, why — or if — girls actually go there to get more stupider.”

According to the president-elect, he and his top advisers have “seen a lot of chatter” and “heard many, many people talking” about whether or not women of Earth are leaving the planet to go to Jupiter to dumb themselves down. Trump said he has no idea why they’d embark on such an endeavor, but he “cannot think of a better use of either NASA or taxpayer dollars” than a new mission to send astronauts to Jupiter to investigate.

“We need our women folk here,” Trump said, “and even though I love a dumb broad as much as the next man — I love all the not well-educated people who voted for me — I need to know if this country is losing some of its best and brightest dames to Jupiter. Who the hell is Jupiter to steal our women and make them more stupider. Call me crazy, call me old fashioned, call me a crazy, old fashioned, orange faced moron, but I grew up in a time when Americans were proud to keep women ignorant right here at home, and they didn’t feel the need to go to another damn planet to do so!”

The president-elect said that Americans should also prepare themselves for his requesting of NASA to take on other “special projects,” as he put it.

“We’re going to go to Mars,” Trump said, “and take the stockpile of candy bars that has been enticing good, clean, American working men away from our planet. We’re going to go to Neptune to see if that king guy is there. We’re going to go to Pluto and ask if he’s seen Mickey recently. And of course we’ll go to Your Anus to -”

An aide whispered into Trump’s ear. Trump nodded.

“Sorry, I misspoke there,” Trump said, “not going to Your Anus. Going IN Your Anus. My bad.”

NASA could not be reached for comment, but did release a short statement prior to publication.

“Yeah, it’s going to be really stupid around here for four years,” the NASA statement said simply, “so thanks, Electoral College, for that, we guess. Whatever.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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