WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has faced stiff backlash from Democratic lawmakers and various so-called “sanctuary” locations after announcing he was considering a plan to extradite detained illegal immigrants to within their city limits and leave them there. This morning, perhaps in an attempt to deflect criticism for that plan, Trump let the media know about another, similar idea he had last week, but was convinced not to attempt by his First Lady.
“Hey, you FAKE NEWS ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE SOMEONE SHOULD YOU ALL WHOOPS DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD I’M NOT INCITING VIOLENCE YOU CUCK PRESS PEOPLE, let me ask you something,” the president shouted at reporters as they started to file out of the Oval Office at the conclusion of a ceremony honoring Confederate generals, “Because my First Lady told me this wasn’t my best idea, but I told Ivanka I’d ask you totally corrupt enemies of the people for your opinions.”
Trump, thinking hard, probably too hard, farted. He turned to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and gave her an unhappy look. She put her head down and sauntered off to her bed on the side of the room, and laid down.
“You think dropping off illiggle Mexicans and Mexican-ish people in sanctuary cities is bad,” Trump mused, “What about dropping them off at Taco Bell and Del Tacos instead?”
Mr. Trump then told reporters that last week, feeling some public pressure, came up with a plan that he said he hoped would “boost the ecomo-knee” as well as “own the libtards.”
“Owning the libtards is so fun and so presidential,” Trump explained. “So I thought to myself, why not do something that’ll help with my beautiful ecomo-knee and also own the libtards? So I turned to Ivanka and told her I wanted to have all the browns we pick up at the border taken to various Taco Bells and Del Tacos throughout this wonderful country I now legally own the rights to.”
Unfortunately for Trump, however, his daughter pushed back on his plan.
“Ivanka, though, she says to me, ‘Diddums, I don’t think that’s a good plan either.'” And I swear to God, if she wasn’t so fuckin’ hot, I woulda…,” Trump trailed off, making a fist, which he immediately uncoiled and put a Diet Coke into. “I didn’t get it though, I asked her, ‘Why not drop all the Mexican-ish people off where they’ll feel most like they’re actually in Mexico?'”
Trump, exasperated, explained that his daughter told him that moving illegal immigrants to Taco Bells and Del Tacos isn’t much different from putting them into sanctuary cities.
“Yeah, but they’re MEXICANNY, IVANKA,” Trump says he tried to reason with his daugther. “What the hell else am I supposed to do with them, treat them like human beings with rights like international and domestic law says I have to? WHAT IS SHE, SOME KIND OF CUCK? WHO CUCKED MY DAUGHTER BEFORE I COULD?!”
Reached for comment, both Del Taco and Taco Bell declined Trump’s offer.
“We thank our most racist president for his most racist of suggestions,” Taco Bell wrote on its Twitter account. “But, no thanks. We’re more down to clown with actual immigration reform that fixes things instead of turning brown-skinned people into political footballs. Maybe next time though, fam.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.