Donald Trump Demands ‘Non-Stop Oral’ For CNN Debate Appearance

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — At a press conference earlier this week, billionaire mogul and current Republican presidential front runner Donald J. Trump told reporters that he was “adding some stuff” to his list of demands that CNN must meet in order for him to participate in their next televised debate, and that stuff is namely that he “gets non-stop oral” for the duration the debate.

Trump’s first demand was an eyebrow-raising request for the cable news network to give him $5 million. Trump claimed he’d donate the money to charity, but there would likely be no legal requirement for him to do so. A spokesman for Trump said last week there were three charities being considered for the donation — The Trump Foundation for Trumps, The Donald J. Trump Fund for Continuing Our Trumpish Ways, and The Illinois Nazi Party which last week endorsed Trump. The same campaign spokesman also told the press last week that Trump could be trusted to follow through with the donation because “even if he loses it, he’s filed for bankruptcy so many times that losing large sums of money is almost like second nature” to the tycoon.

“Their network sucks in the ratings,” Trump told reporters at his New York press conference, “so it only makes sense they’d suck my dick for two hours.” Trump said when pressed that he “doesn’t give a rip” who does the oral copulation, as long as “they don’t make eye contact and keep their filthy hands off my custom merkin,” which he says he had made especially for him, so that it’d match what he claims is hair on the top of his head. “I don’t care if it’s that Cooper guy, or that Bartiromo broad,” Mr. Trump told reporters, “someone’s gonna hand me a check for five million that’ll totally get donate to charity — wink, wink — and someone is going to oral me the entire debate.”

When asked how someone could be expected to moderate a debate and give him sexual gratification with their mouth, Trump shrugged. “That’s for the scientists to figure out,” he said glibly, adding, “my needs are quite simple. One — Five million smackeroonies. Two — oral. All the time. Constant, never ending oral. Bing. Bang. Boom.”

Representatives from CNN could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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