WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, several outlets reported that when he visits Great Britain for the first time as Co-President, Donald Trump really, really wants a buggy ride in one of Queen Elizabeth’s gold-plated carriages. As he left the White House for lunch at a D.C. area Chick-Fil-A, Trump doubled-down on his demands of the royal family’s matriarch.
“Today, I was on a phone call with Queen Betsy,” Trump told members of the alt-right press as he left the Oval Office, “and I said to her that I want a buggy right befitting an American King. And I also told her I want to put that jewely thingy on her head on my head.”
Co-President Trump said that he had been talking with his top advisers and they all said it was “very appropriate” to make these demands of one of America’s longest and strongest allies. Trump said that his “America First approach” will apply everywhere, even with the country’s old friends. This means, Trump said, that his administration’s foreign policy will be summed up in one simple phrase.
“What have you done for me lately,” Trump said the motto in his state department would be, “and all I know is gold plated buggy rides and getting to where fancy-shmancy head gear will go a long way toward making me feel special. My mommy always said I was special, and I will not have Mommy’s memory besmeared!”
Trump said that while his demands are “iron clad and must be met,” he wants the world to take note that he is “still being bigly reasonable.”
“I just want the buggy ride for me,” Trump said, “I won’t even have my wife, what’s-her-name, with me. Hell, I won’t even have my First Lady Ivanka either. In fact I’m still being bigly reasonable because I’m not even asking that all the presidents get a ride. Vlad and Steve can’t make it anyway.”
Buckingham Palace could not be reached for comment. However, we found a random Briton in the street and asked him what he thinks of Trump’s demands. The man laughed, heartily.
“I don’t give a shit do I,” the man said, “but I do think it’s ironic that a tax dodger is now making demands to be treated like royalty by someone who lives off everyone else’s taxes, innit? Chinny reckon. Cheerio, mate! Stereotypical British phrase, as well, to you, guv’nah.”
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