RATCHET COUNTY, ARKANSAS — In every presidential election, candidates seek out endorsements from influential people and organizations in an effort to sway their party’s base to their side.
The theory is that the more endorsements from people that voters identify with, the more they’ll be convinced of the candidate’s own bonafides. In 2016, Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, for example, secured an endorsement from a prominent labor organization, which some considered a blow to her main challenger and alleged front runner Bernie Sanders who identifies most as a democratic socialist very much in favor of unions and collective bargaining. The sprint for endorsements may be why when Billy Mack, the Grand Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan in Ratchet County, Arkansas gave his group’s ringing endorsement of Donald Trump’s re-election bid, the alleged billionaire said he was “deeply honored” by Mack’s “kind, considerate words about [his] patriotic stance against rapists, murderers and drug dealers, or ‘Mexicans’ if you’re into that whole brevity thing.”
At a press conference held inside a bowling alley in Ratchet County, Mack said of Trump that he’s “the kind of upstanding, white American that can speak the unfiltered truth about the clear and obvious silent invasion from the South.” When confronted with statistics that show a net zero migration of Mexican immigrants for several years now, Mack dismissed them as “obvious government propaganda” and said he “don’t trust nothin’ that black man in the WHITE House puts out,” even though reporters said that President Obama himself didn’t compile the statistics.
“He’s going to tell those illegals coming from Mexico to go back home, and leave this good, clean, pure, white nation to those who will protect its good, clean, pure, white heritage,” Mack told reporters.
He said that “Trump is the only one willing to tell the version of the truth we cling to” and that “he will guide us to a new, prosperous time where white people can feel free to be white without being constantly reminded how privileged we have it, not being a minority group.”
Mack said that “clearly, being white and male in this country is the hardest thing ever because everyone’s always like trying to give you a job and ask your opinions on stuff, but then get all butt hurt if your opinion is that despite being part of the ruling majority race you think it’s people of color that are keeping you down and making your life suck.”
Graham Williamson, a Deputy Director of Social Media for the Trump campaign told The Political Garbage Chute that “Mr. Trump is truly touched by any endorsement that working, xenophobic American patriots give him.” Williamson also said that “Mr. Trump doesn’t condone any violence against people of color, but he understands that people are passionate and they care about their country, so he doesn’t judge people who join domestic terror organizations that do actually condone violence against people of color.” Williamson said “self-contradiction is a hallmark of Mr. Trump’s vision for a new America.”
“Any time an American organization puts its trust and reputation in me,” Trump himself said while eating a Big Mac while sitting on top of the Resolute Desk in his underpants, “I take that as a compliment. Who am I to judge an organization by a few dozen, hundred, or thousand of its members saying and doing all kinds of horrid, racist stuff? There are good endorsements on both sides.”
Farting, Trump paused a moment.
“That’s not what The Donald’s all about, that’s fuckin’ loser-ass-loser stuff,” Trump explained. “So you know, I am deeply honored by this endorsement, so yes I thank Mr. Mack for his kind, considerate words about my patriotic stance against rapists, murderers and drug dealers, or ‘Mexicans’ if you’re into that whole brevity thing.”
Trump told reporters that “endorsements don’t mean candidates agree with their endorsers’ views” but instead “they just confirm that the candidate appeals to people of those views.” He insisted that “it’s not racist to generalize about an entire country’s population, it’s just telling it like it is…in our small minds.” He also told reporters that “rapists, murderers and drug dealers should anger everyone, so if the KKK is against them, that’s something we can all agree on; it’s just that they hate all people of color even if they aren’t rapists, murderers or drug dealers….they cast a wider net than I do.”
“It’s just great to see a politician not shy away from what we all know to be the God’s honest truth — that white people are just naturally the dominant race,” Mack told reporters. “It’s great that he can stand up to so-called ‘evidence’ and ‘facts’ and instead present the unmitigated, perhaps mostly delusional truth we believe about people of non-white origins. That they’re terrible, garbage people who should be stamped out of existence. If that’s not the very definition of American freedom, the kind of American freedom that every red blooded, ammo hoarding, Mexican hating patriot can get behind, then we don’t live in America anymore!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.