WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump took time from his busy schedule to sign an official presidential decree, congratulating his son Eric for “going boom boom on the potty like a big boy.”
“I’m bigly proud of my boy Eric,” Trump said as the declaration was given to him, “for overcoming great adversity and finding his way to the potty like a big boy. Nobody is prouder of him than the First Lady and me. Speaking of which, Ivanka has said we’ll definitely be putting this order up on the fridge in the White House for everyone to see.”
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Eric Trump, the president’s middle son, recently made headlines when an interview he did for a golfing magazine resurfaced. In the interview Eric is quoted as saying that the reason he and his family weren’t worried about getting financing approved for their golf courses in the middle of the Great Recession was that they had big money backing them from Russia. While Eric Trump has denied those details, the allegations only add to an ever-growing list of connections between the Trump empire and Russia, and could help to fuel the fires of speculation swirling around Russia’s alleged involvement in hacking the United States’ election infrastructure last year.
“We’ve all been a worried about Eric catching onto the whole potty training thing,” the president said as he was signing the official decree, “and I mean, look at him. Of all my sons, he’s the dopiest looking, no doubt. Though, Donnie Junior really does come in a very close second there, but his Chronic Jizz Face has been getting treatment, so the derp-tastic looks are seeming to all fall on my second oldest oligarch in training.”
When he took office back in January, Trump says he immediately ordered the federal government to begin finding ways to help his second son learn to use the toilet. Mr. Trump says his son has always had a problem “keeping his shit from leaking out all over the place,” and the hubbub surrounding his golf interview was a “not so gentle reminder” of those problems. However, this weekend Eric, with no prompting from his loved ones, felt the urge of nature’s call, and took himself to the bathroom all by himself.
“I didn’t even have to help him get his pants off or anything,” the president said, “although I still had to wipe his ass for him. For some reason, I don’t mind doing that for Ivanka now, but I do mind for Eric. I just can’t figure out what the difference is between Hottie McIWannaBangHer and my son…oh well, what are you gonna do?”
After the document was signed, Eric Trump gave a brief statement.
“I am very happy my daddy signed this paper today,” Eric said, excitedly pointing toward his father, “because it proves that I’m a big boy now and Daddy has to give me an office just as good as Ivanka’s!”
An awkward silence befell the Oval Office.
“Now, Eric, you know I can’t do that, we’ve talked about this,” Mr. Trump told his son, “and I can’t do that.”
Eric huffed and puffed. He stamped his feet. Then he bellowed out in anguish.
“That’s sucky Daaaaaaaaaaad,” Eric screamed at his father, “I mean…who do I have to blow to get an office like Ivanka’s?!”
An even more awkward, longer silence befell the Oval Office. No one had the heart to tell Eric who he’d have to blow to get an office like his sister’s.