CORN PONE, IOWA — A day after taking part in the second presidential debate of his young political career, Donald J. Trump was in Iowa, telling a crowd at a popular quick service fish restaurant how he prepared for the the debate.
“A lot of people are saying I won last night,” Trump boasted into the microphone, “a lot of people are saying that. And they’ve been asking me how I had all those juicy Clinton scandals memorized, ready to unleash on Hillary like so much orange, spittle-filled verbal diarrhea.”
Standing at a podium outside a Fast Fish — a midwestern sea food chain that specializes in bringing fish dishes to otherwise land-locked states, or places where access to oceans is limited, Trump told the crowd there was one man who deserved the lion share of the credit for his debate preparation — Infowars publisher and right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones.
“Alex told me everything I need to know,” Trump told his supporters, whether it was so-called factually accurate or not, for the debate.”
Trump relayed to the audience in front of Fast Fish how Jones prepared him for the debate. The alleged billionaire said that Jones sent tin foil so that he could he could wrap it around his “Make America Great Again hat” or his “white pointy hoods,” should he be wearing one at the time. Then, Trump said for the next week and a half Jones would send him every single wild-eyed theory that a commenter either on Infowars or Breitbart had floated about Hillary Clinton.
“If someone had a theory that Hillary is a secret lizard-human assassin with Parkinson’s and AIDS,” Trump said, “I memorized that shit. If they told me she deleted 33,000 emails, I memorized that shit, even if it meant having to forget that the Bush administration once made literally millions and millions and millions of emails disappear too.”
Mr. Trump says that Jones’ help was “vital” to his performance in the second debate and that without him, he might have been “forced to debate Hillary on facts, policy, and details” instead of “her husband’s wandering dick that she has nothing to do with” or “Benghazi and shit.”
“Ol’ Alex is the one who gave me the idea for the line about her being in jail, and when Steve Bannon showed me the massive boner — massive for him — that he got at the idea of telling Hillary to her face she belonged in jail even though she’s already been investigated for months, I knew it was going to be a winning strategy.”
Reached for comment, Jones sent us an 8,238 word email/screed, which is too long to re-print, but we excerpted a small section, below:
Hillary Clinton is clearly and obviously an alien life form that crash landed with the Roswell ship. She then was snatched-up, again very obviously, by Saul Alinsky and George Soros. She was gay-commie-socialist programmed to hate the United States of America and introduced to both Barack HUSSEIN Obama and William Jefferson Clinton in their commie-socialist incubators. When the time was right, and the country was coming off of twelve years of Reagan/Bush administrations, Soros put the plan into action, and the three began their systematic destruction of America, which is seen today in the fact that we’re no longer even a country anymore.
Also, give me money. I love money. The more money you give me, the more outlandish and frankly stupid I get. So please, give me money, mkthx.
The Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment.
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