FBI: Trump’s COVID-19 Body Count Higher Than Clintons’ Kill List

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new report from the Federal Bureau of Investigations concludes that the total number of Americans killed, or had their murders orchestrated by Bill or Hillary Clinton, is less than those who President Donald Trump let die from COVID-19 in 2020. At a press conference today, FBI spokesperson Chad Bisquick gave the media a brief overview of the report’s findings.

“Working with the best numbers we have to date, the FBI was able to ascertain several key facts,” Bisquick began, “and can at this time confirm that more people died of COVID-19 last year than have been killed, or had their killings ordered, by the Clintons. The math was checked, double-checked, and run back through our CompuTron 5000 number cruncher, so it’s been triple verified.”

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Bisquick said the investigation was conducted in “record time, literally.”

“This is the absolute fastest we’ve ever been able to conduct any investigation, ever,” Bisquick explained. “Because, for starters, the Clinton Kill List is something delusional neckbeards and their cousin-lovers believe in, so really our whole investigation only took as long as a single Google search for how many Americans died from COVID-19 last year.”

With the news today, that puts Trump ahead of the Clintons in another key statistic. He was already ahead of them in the categories of presidential impeachments — Trump is ahead 2-1 in that score — and in total number of presidential popular vote count losses. Mr. Trump has lost the popular vote in both his presidential elections, but neither Clinton has lost the popular vote even once.

Former one term, twice permanently impeached President Donald Trump could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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