NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump made an announcement today that is sure to send shock waves into and throughout the entire political sphere in America. Speaking to reporters outside in the Trump Tower lobby, the alleged billionaire said he was considering hiring someone for his administration that he believes will “surprise” his supporters with “her ability to get stuff done,” which he said he “likes very, very much.”
“I’m thinking that I’ll create a new cabinet position,” Trump said, “for keeping me on task when it comes to keeping my campaign promises. Secretary of Campaign Promise Keeping, we’ll call it. And who better for that role than someone who knows a lot about making campaign promises, Hillary Rodham Clinton?”
Audible gasps were heard from both the press pool and various aides to Mr. Trump who were standing beside him. One reporter managed to recover his senses and asked Trump if hiring Clinton after promising he’d “lock her up” was in fact breaking a promise, and rather ironically given what her new position would be.
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand your question,” Trump said.
The reporter repeated it.
“Nope, sorry, still not getting it, next,” Trump asked. Another reporter asked if he was worried that the people who’d just elected him would turn on him, given that so many only voted for him to stop Clinton from being in the White House in the first place.
Trump demured.
“Nah,” Trump said, “if they don’t care that I’m not draining the swamp, except right into my cabinet, why would they care about this? I’ll just tell them some bullshit line about unity, or healing our divide, and the same soft-skulled simpletons who believed that Obama was a Kenyan Muslim for years — you know, morons like me — will believe that all of a sudden I’m an instrument of peace, and they’ll blame Democrats for any rancor over this move.”
Still another reporter asked Trump if he’d given any thought into how he’d convince Ms. Clinton to join his team. Trump smiled widely, sniffed deeply, and answered the reporter’s question.
“Oh, that’s going to be the easiest part, no doubt,” Trump said, “I’ve put so many former members of bank executive boards on my cabinet, I can just convince her she’s being hired to give speeches at Goldman Sachs every day for four years. Something tells me if I wave a big enough check in front of her, she’ll probably go right along with it.”
Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters he thought it was a “fine idea” because “a Republican will be president.”
“A president should have the team he wants,” McConnell said, “and besides, I think it’s a fine idea. A Republican will be president, after all, and everyone knows that Republican presidents have the best ideas, at least according to me, a fellow Republican. Hell, I heard he wants to raise the minimum wage and push for universal health care, which I think are great ideas now too, because a white, rich Republican said them. Crazy how that works, huh?”
Hillary Clinton could not be reached by phone or email for comment because aides said she was out hiking in the woods, waiting for the next person to randomly find her, post a self with her, and thereby humanize her so that Democrats don’t stay too angry at her for completely bungling the most winnable election with the most easy to defeat opponent of all time because she was too arrogant to actually campaign to voters she thought she could take for granted.
This is a developing story.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
