Trump Wants Congress to Make Vodka, Russian Whore Piss Tax Deductible

WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — As thousands of Americans hit the streets for the “Tax March,” demanding that he release his tax returns as he’d promised to do on the campaign trail last year, President Donald Trump told his caddie that he’d like to have Congress make a couple of items tax deducible for next fiscal year.

“What I’d really like,” Trump reportedly said to his caddie, “is for Congress to make Russian whore piss and vodka tax deductible. No reason in particular, of course. I just happen to spend a lot of money every year on vodka and Russian whore piss, and I believe it’s a legitimate business expense in my line of work.”

Feeling brave, Trump’s caddie reportedly asked the president what his “line of work” was.

“Oh, that’s easy my boy,” Trump said while using his diminutive hands to rifle through a bag of nuts, like a tiny-handed, orange, racist squirrel, “I’m in the business of me. Always have been, always will be.”

The caddie looked confused. Mr. Trump tried to explain himself further.

“You see,” Trump began, “a lot of people always thought I was some big, rich, mega-smart, yoogely successful business guy. That I ran all these companies really well. But really all I’ve been good at my whole life is taking what I’m given. Over time I’ve found I get more when I’m the center of attention, and I decided a long time ago to sell myself as the product, instead of you know, coming up with a good product people need.”

Trump’s caddie nodded. He was starting to understand now. Trump continued.

“I enrich myself, and by proxy my family,” Trump said, “by selling myself to gullible rubes as some big great business guy. So the way I see it, I am my business, and literally everything I spend on myself — which is a tremendous amount — should be considered a legit write-off for my business, which again, I don’t know if you heard me just now, is me. All me. Oh, and I guess this presidenting shit. Whatever the fuck that means”

Reached for comment, Speaker Paul Ryan (R-CA) said he was “surprised” by the request, but that he’s leaning toward pushing his caucus to sign on for it.

“Look, any time we can cut taxes,” Ryan told reporters, “we’re going to be in favor of it. So if it means a excusing a little treasonous behavior by making Russian prostitute urine and vodka legitimate business expenses, then I’m all for it. As long as, of course, we hurt the poor, in the name of helping them like good, clean, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots.”

This story is developing.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This