Trump Orders All Removed Confederate Monuments Replaced With Statues of Vladimir Putin

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump signed an executive order that he said he hopes will “put all this monument and statue bullshit to rest.”

“I am signing this order, which I totally read and understand before this signing ceremony,” Trump said, “and hereby commanding that all statues of confederate generals, soldiers, and historical figures that have been removed across my — excuse me — OUR — great nation be hereby replaced with statues of another great man — Vladimir Putin. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Probably not. I know more things than most of you.”

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Last week, Trump had one of the worst moments in his nascent political career. He waited forty-eight hours to specifically condemn the white supremacists that clashed violently with people protesting their protest of the removal of a statute of General Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville, Virginia. The weekend of violence left one woman dead after being literally run into by a white nationalist’s car. Trump initially blamed bad people “on many sides” for the violence, which prompted public outcry and scorn, leading in turn to the second statement, which he then contradicted at a wild, freewheeling press conference in which he once again doubled-down on the idea of an “alt-left” he also blamed for the violence.

“I don’t think the alt-left will protest statues of Uncle Vlad,” Trump said, “because Vlad’s from Russia. We all know that all liberals are commies. And we also know Russia used to be the biggest communist country ever. So, ergo, bing-bang-bom, we put up statues of him where we once had statues of Lee, Jackson, and Davis.”

Trump paused for effect.

“You’re welcome, America,” Trump said, looking right into the lens of the camera.

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The president believes that people who support the statues of various Confederates will also be “just fine” with putting up monuments to the Russian president in their place.

“Let’s face it,” Trump said, “I ended eight years of Blacky McDemocrat reign and delivered a stolen Supreme Court seat to them. I could ask them to drink my pee after performing a third term abortion and they’d find some way to say Hillary would have been worse. I think they’ll be fine putting up statues to honor Vlad.”

Trump added that he really didn’t think it will be hard to convince people to put up statues of the Russian president.

“All I have to do is remind them that Vlad wanted me to win,” Trump said, “and that he tried to help me defeat Crooked Hillary. They’ll want to put him on Mount Rushmore for that!”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, upon hearing this plan, said he was “shocked and aghast” that Trump would suggest such a thing.

“But will I do anything about it,” Ryan mused while he dead lifted two hundred pounds after slamming an energy drink and protein shake, “Of course not. Not until I get my tax cuts. Womp-womp-womp-wommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmp.”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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